Beep, beep, beep, its 5:30 am on April 27th,
2012. I am in a comfy, fancy hotel room with my mother near San Diego, CA and
my life is about to forever change starting today. This is the morning that I
once again begin my journey on the Pacific Crest Trail. My goal is to hike
2,670 miles from the Mexican/US border all the way to British Columbia, Canada
in the next 5 months. This might sound a bit nuts to many people, the thought
of leaving your life at home and in many ways quitting life in order to venture
on such a daunting journey, but to me it is anything but nuts, its exciting its
what I love and though yes, it is scary and challenging and there will be many
struggles, but to me it is a life I long for. Last year, 2011 I attempted to
thru hike the PCT, I made it 2,300 miles, falling short from Canada, that
defeat tortured me every day, my failure dug a huge hole in my heart and I
judged myself as a complete failure for not completing it. I had spent all
winter beating myself up about this and so there was only one thing for me to
do, I had to return to the Mexican border and start all over, I had to complete
a successful thru hike of the PCT. My mom was not too happy to wake up so early
and she hated the idea of driving me to the Mexican border and just leaving me
there. I tried to reassure her, but in her defense from a mothers stand point, it
is probably a bit upsetting to leave your daughter alone to embark on a 5 month
trek. We drove to the little town of Campo, Ca that’s where the southern
terminus of the PCT, and that’s where the monument is displaying the start of
my journey. When we got there, it was raining and cold, very cold and the
emotions that were tied into this trail began to flood over me. It felt weird
being there again, but it also gave me a feeling of freedom and happiness.
Around 9:30 am I started off from the Mexican border, bond
for Canada, and though I was excited the thought of “what if I fail again”
barked at me. My brave mom hiked the first mile with me and then she said
goodbye to me. I was off now, hiking 20-30 miles every day, sleeping on the
ground, being thirsty, lonely, hungry, hot, cold, wet, and sore. I had made the decision to embrace all the
challenges that waited for me on the Trail and in an instant my life returned
to the quiet, peaceful, routine, simple form. The desert is a strange place, it
is a harsh place, but at the same time there is so much beauty, the beauty is
on a smaller scale than that of the mountains, but none the less, the desert is
an amazing place. The PCT travels through almost 800 miles of desert, both low
and high desert and every landscape in between. For a thru hiker, the desert is
a challenging place, stretches of little water, sometimes over 20 miles without
water, mice in water, water from horse troughs, days without shade and all
sorts of pokey, prickly, poisonous things. Days are spent planning water
sources carefully, making miles early when it is cooler out, listening for
rattlesnakes, covering ourselves with sun block, and fighting the desert wind,
trust me, the wind in the desert, especially near Hikertown and north towards
Tehachapi is the most absurd wind I have ever experienced, and I have stood on
the top of 100s of peaks over 12,000 feet, nothing compares to California
desert wind. Some nights I really had to tie my shoes to my pack so they did
not blow away and other nights I could not blow my sleeping pad up and during
the day you look down and hike, clinch your hiking poles and push on, the wind
and the sun are exhausting, but somehow you manage to keep going, to keep
pushing. This year the desert seemed more welcoming to me, maybe it was I knew
what to expect or maybe it was a milder season, who knows all I know is that it
seemed to be more manageable. Though manageable, there were still many days
were I wanted to quit, where my headache from lack of water and shade felt like
it could be the end of me, days where
even walking 2 miles seemed too much. You see even with good trail conditions
and a strong mindset, there is a challenge everyday that threatens the success
of a thru hiker, some days it’s a mental challenge other days it is physical, and
some days it’s both. But guaranteed there is always a challenge waiting to test
your patience, resolve, and determination. But I had promised myself that I was
going to do this hike and that I was going to endure everything it threw my
way. I began the hike with an old friend who I met the previous season on the
PCT, we had both fallen short from completing it, so it made sense to begin together,
because we understood each other and how it felt to fall short from a complete thru
hike. Our first day off from the Mexican border, was quite different than last
year, it was cloudy and rainy, and cold. It was nothing like a typical day in
the desert. We managed to hike around 21 miles the first day, from the Mexican border
to Lake Morena, getting to Lake Morena, was a bit overwhelming, it flooded my
heart and mind with memories of last year’s hike, memories of distant time and
it was emotional, it felt strange begin there once again and it in many ways it
seemed unreal. However, as I would come to realize this entire journey now
feels like a dream. But, there I was at Lake Morena, all I could think about is
how I had failed last year, how I needed to complete it this year, I thought
about all of the amazing hikers I had met last year, and wished so much that
they were there again. There was some hikers from last year there getting ready
for Kick Off, but it was different, it was a different time, a very different
season and I was different. I did not much feel like staying for Kick off
because I wanted to get ahead of the other hikers and I knew what I was ahead.
I wanted to go, I wanted to start hiking. I camped at Lake Morena that night,
and the next afternoon, April 28th, I was off, headed north to
Canada, hopefully, anyway. It was a few days before the true realization of
what I was doing set in, and when it did finally set in, it really hit me hard,
harder than anything has ever before. I placed so much pressure on myself to finish
this Trail, to complete a thru hike. What’s the value in it, why can’t I be a
girl who is satisfied with a week- long trip, or section hiking the PCT, why do
I feel compelled to thru hike it. Why is my worth as a human being determined
by whether or not I can complete this thru hike? All of these thoughts and
ideas packed my head full of anxiety, adventure and desire to succeed. After a few days of being out along the PCT,
I felt at home, I felt safe, happy and strong. Only at the moments when I
thought about not getting to the end again, or missing home, did I crumble a
bit, however, something pushed me along. The southern California desert is a
place, like no other, it is hot, waterless, home to creepy crawlies and its
harsh, people don’t live out there for the most part, so why the hell am I
hiking through it? The desert felt pretty much the same as last year, it felt
alive and calm, but also hot and it tired me greatly. The first 100 miles, were
wonderful, for a small time, the Trail life was novel and so it was grand, but
I knew in my heart that it would not stay wonderful all the time, that the
challenges were beginning to start and that the days of long, tired pushes were
coming. I met many great people in the first few hundred miles, people who
would forever become close to me once off the Trail. My good friend, Kim,
joined me around Mile 110, near Warner Springs and hiked with me for about 70
miles, until we reached the resupply town of Idyllwild. Idyllwild is a place
that holds a ton of emotions for me, last year on the Trail my shoes were stolen
there on my B-day, and this year, my grandmother passed away while I was there.
The news of losing my Grandmother became instantly an enormous painful time for
me, I had lost my other Grandma and Grandpa a few years back, and I had yet to
get over that pain, I still miss my grandparents more than words can say and my
life is now forever missing those special people. I did not know what to do
when my mom called me and told me that Grandma had passed away, do I cry, do I
scream, do I keep hiking, do I write, do I call my friends and hope they can
help me feel better, what do I do. I am thousands of miles away from home, I
have a backpack and no decent clothes to attend a funeral, will I be okay
leaving the Trail and then coming back? I struggled with finding the appropriate
thing to do, what was the best thing to do; I could not figure it out. So I
started hiking north again for about 30 miles and I got off Trail. I stayed at
a Trail Angles house, Ziggy and the Bears, they are from North Dakota, who
would believe it, no one is from North Dakota, some people don’t even know it
is a state, but they were from ND and they offered to take me to Palm Springs
so I could get a flight to ND and attend the funeral. That was a very difficult
choice for me, but I owed it to my Grandma to say goodbye, to stand up and talk
about how great she was and how much I loved her. So there I was now, in Palm
Springs, what a totally different world than the PCT. I arrived in ND on the 12th
of May, and I was greeted by my mother, she looked so sad, and it was so sad,
it was awful to have to say goodbye to yet another person I loved. The 6 days
in ND flew by; each day was filled with family activities, funeral ceremonies
and such. It was exhausting, how was I going to get back on the Trail and keep hiking,
this had taken such a toll on me. I spoke at her funeral, I could not stay composed
long enough to give a profound speech, all I could say was how special she was
and how I loved her very much. When it was all said and done, after all the
funeral ceremonies and burial, it was now time to get back where I left off on
the PCT. I flew back to Palm Springs, got back to Ziggy and the Bears and the
next morning, I was off again. That day was one of the hottest days I have ever
experienced, I felt sick all day, and I was so thirsty and tired and weak. Man,
it was a very difficult day and I think I only made around 23 miles due to the
intense heat. I remember thinking that day, I am not going to make it, everyone
I was hiking with is far far ahead and it is miserable out, it was miserable
out. The cool of the night in the desert has a certain way of redeeming the dreadful
heat of the day. I again felt alone and wasn’t sure I would ever catch up to
the other hikers I left when I had to fly back for the funeral. I decided to
start to do bigger miles, I want to catch up to the others and so I started
doing 25-30 miles a day in an effort to catch up. My pack was lighter this
year, I knew what to expect and I could do it. I quickly passed towns such as
Big Bear, Wrightwood, and then by the time I reached Agua Dulce, mile 454,
there was everyone I was waiting to see, my big miles had paid off. I took some
time at the Suafleys in AD and then continued on. Getting to the 500 mile point is a big step,
500 miles down and 2,200 miles left. The first 500 miles had been crazy this
year, hot desert days, cold rainy days, my grandmothers passing, being
homesick, etc. But none the less, I was
500 miles in again and already the thoughts of the Sierras were entering my
head. I was looking forward to getting to the Sierras and embracing what they
had in store for me this year.
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