It has been a long time since I took some time to write, to reflect, to use my own writing as a personal tool to help me propel in life during difficult times. I have been scared, scared to sit and write, scared to own the words that would come out of me and afraid that I would not be able to make sense of them. I am a girl of many words, huge dreams and as many of you know, a girl with the desire to embark on great adventures. I have put my next dream and goal of trekking from the tip of Northern Alaska all the way to the Southern most tip of Argentina on the back burner during the last few months, trying to somehow convince myself that it is crazy, inconceivable and impossible, maybe in an attempt to rid myself of this conflict I often find myself in- what is the balance between "normal life" and my desires for grand adventure. I have failed to talk myself out of it, of course I realize that this trip could cost me my life, I could be kidnapped, eaten my a polar bear, starve to death, fall off a cliff, get lost, the list goes on and on. Or, I could attempt it, go for it full heartedly, see what happens, embark on a journey that will truly be the journey of a lifetime. I am not interested in being scared anymore, it gets me nowhere and clouds my head with doubt and in the end, I always follow the desire to go, to hike, to see the world by means of my own two feet!
It seems as though being scared as been a theme in my life recently, I have been scared to let old places go, to put myself out there, to climb harder, to hike further, to summit a peak, to leave my dog alone, to stand up for myself, to let old friends go, to allow my heart to be open, to meet new friends. I have been scared to live, and for me, the girl who picks up and hikes across the country alone, that is very bad thing. Being scared will not get me anywhere, I can't fight who I am. I fight myself everyday, attempting to figure myself out, chose a path, get a career or not? I can't seem to figure out who I am completely and what makes me happy. I do know this, if nothing else; I love the feeling of being out in the wild, of living out of pack, of spending my days and nights outside. I love the simple way of life it allows for and the truth is one needs nothing more than one can carry in their backpack.
I have been in this slump for awhile, trying so hard to fight it, to make myself happier or better and I have surrendered to the fact that sometimes you have to just stay where you are inside yourself, even if it sucks, even if its hard. I can't explain how I feel or why I feel the way I do, I just know I don't feel strong and happy these days. I miss the Trail, I miss that life and though my next big trek is a gigantic undertaking, I need to go, I need to find a way to make this trek happen!
A wise man once told me, "its risky out there, but go anyway, because life is short and there is nothing good on TV."
I am making it my life's work to get this trek sponsored and to make it a reality, because if I don't, my only excuse will be that I was just too scared!!
Ggn
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