About two weeks ago, while I was out climbing, Nanuk was injured! When it happened, I felt as though my world was crashing down, I rushed her to the hospital, still wearing my harness, unable to stop my tears. It was determined that she had torn ligament in her leg and had a possible fracture, this does not sound like a very bad injury, but to an 11 year dog, this is a horrible injury. Nanuk's life was based on tagging along with me while I climbed, hiked, backpacked, skied, bagged peaks; she knows no other life, than that of adventure, long days outside and being free to roam, sniff, roll around, run and explore. Upon returning for a recheck to the Vet on Saturday it was found through another series of X-rays that she had fractured her Ulna(wrist) and that the tear in her Carpus needed surgery. The past two weeks have been extremely difficult and sad for me. I have had to carry her down the stairs so she can go to the bathroom, on some days I have had to hold her while she goes to the bathroom, I have listened to cries of pain and I have watched as the dog that once ran free and rolled in the snow and explored the woods, now sits sadly and stares off in the distance. I have realized that the day she was injured was probably my last day outside playing with her, that all of the long days spent together exploring the mountains have come to an end. My days with her now involve constant assistance with basic things, pain med adminstration, sitting outside with her and petting her, while she stares off and wonders why she can't run and play in the snow. My heart aches in the worst way! It is awful, it is so awful, that some nights, most nights, I don't sleep. Where have all those years gone? Where is the dog that once stood on top of 14,000 foot peaks with me and thru hiked the Colorado Trail?
Nanuk used to get so damn excited in the morning or when I would put a backpack on, she would bark and run around and bite my pants, wag her tail and run for the door, it used to annoy me, because she was quite loud and relentless and I could never finish packing up, today, I would give anything in the world to see her behave that way again. I have been told that she is probably not in pain now, which is encouraging, she is in a fiberglass cast and will be for 6-8 weeks! The next move is up to me, do I put her through surgery, that I can't afford, a surgery that could kill her because anesthesia is a risk, and recovery is long and hard! Do I sell my car, return my ski pass, sell my gear, or find the money in a loan for her surgery? Do I give her a custom splint, that will keep her leg stable, but allow for chronic pain and the chance that even then she wont run around or chase a ball? Or do, I say goodbye and put her down?? I hate playing God, I hate decisions when each choice sucks!
I can't seem to come to a decision, I have done a little research about my options and then when I sit and think, I see her, and I am flooded with tears! I am sadden that her life has come to this, I regret that I was not the perfect mother to her everyday, that some days I ignored her, or I was too busy, or I yelled at her, or I was inpatient with her or irritated with her. I regret all the time I spent away from her, fulfilling my own silly goals! I so miss the days when she was stronger and able to join me on my adventures. I feel like I have already lost her, I feel sick to my stomach and my heart is broken. What do I do? I am glad she is not in pain, at least thats what the Vet says, and I hope that is correct! I sit with her outside often these days, I watch her watch the world around her, I pet her, kiss her, watch her struggle to get up and greet the dogs she once played with. To some people she is just a dog, to me, she is my world, she is best friend, my roommate, my protector, my hiking buddy, my mirror, my saving grace! To me, she is everything and the thought of coming home to an empty home, kills me.
I am not sure where this path will take me, or where it will take her, but wherever we end up, I loved her everyday, I am so thankful for her, for all the lessons she has taught me, for her love,friendship and loyalty, for the chance to call her my dog. I am so humbled by her and how big her heart is. When she was lying on the floor at the Vet the day she was injured, she managed to pick her head up and kiss me and wag her tail, despite the fact she was in pain and high from sedation. She is an extrodinary dog!!
Without her my life will be less special who will watch over me, who will climb off summits just to bring a stick back to me, who will make me laugh, or cuddle with me, or listen to me, who will give me something to wake up for and to love? Who will be there waiting for me at the end of the day?
I know in my heart that her life is coming to an end, whether it is from this injury or not! I know it because I see it in her eyes. I see only pieces of what she once was and I know that soon I will say goodbye to her. I trust that the universe will help me make the right choice here. I pray she knows how much I love her, and I pray she feels like she had a great life. This is the worst part of having and loving a dog, watching them age, watching them slow down and not being able to fix it. If I can't manage her pain, I will do the right thing and say goodbye. I wish so much that she had never gotten hurt, I feel guilty because I am the one who brought her along.
I guess all I can do for now, is love her, spend time with her, remember all she brought to my life and wait and see what will be!! As much as I hate that, thats truly all I can do!!
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