The Process

Process: a continuous series of changes and actions, to go forward, to grow, to improve, to go to the next stage, to reach a goal. That is at least what the known definitions of process are; for me, though, my process has been a little bit of all of those things. I am currently stuck in a phase of my process, a phase of unknowns, choices, and too many ideas. I moved away from Telluride, though I left my heart in the San Juan Mountains, in order to pursue nursing school, but maybe, it wasn't all just to go back to school. I have 6 years of college and I am well educated, though that means nothing because I have never been able to find a decent job using any of my current education.

I came back to Summit County, a place I spent 10 years in, a place where I am safe, well known, have tons of personal and social connections and a place where in many ways I grew up. My years in Summit County were valuable in making me the person I am today. So, I returned to Summit County because it had seemed as though I lost who I was, I allowed a guy to physically assault me, steal from me, lie to me, and hurt me, I allowed him to take the best parts of me and turn them into a ghost of what were once my best qualities. Being back in Summit County, I have regained those qualities. I have found my courage and strength; I have remembered what matters in life, who I am and what I so love. I have found peace and therapy here spending my days on the rock and working with shelter dogs. I have rediscovered that I am capable of meeting new people and developing friendships and having fun with other people. I have allowed myself to grief for the loss of my dear friend Nanuk dog, who spent most of her life here, some days I swear I will never stop hurting and grieving, but I know deep down somewhere that one day I will, that, that in itself is a process. I also know that  sometimes there are many processes happening at once and no matter how hard it is, you have to allow the process to run its course. I thought I was in the process of doing pre reqs for nursing school, but now, I am lost, now, I don't know what I want to do. The idea of being a guide in the mountains and getting more certifications in order to do that is a romantic one, it appeals to me because nothing in this world speaks more to my heart than adventure and the mountains. Nothing in this world gives me such bliss. But, nursing school, opens the door for me to travel anywhere in the world and help others, give back and save lives. What is best for me, for my life, which process do I take, where do I go from here?

Money isn't that big of a thing, but I would love it if I could be financially sound and nursing would provide me with that, but I just don't know and thought I did, I thought I wanted to be a nurse.  Maybe the real reason I returned to Summit County was to find myself again, to remember how to be happy, how to feel connected and how to feel strong again. Maybe Summit County is my process right now. Maybe, I should just let be what will be. I have embarked on many journeys in my life, each a process of its own, each scary and wonderful at the same time and in the end it all works out. So, I guess I am in the process of finding the correct process for me. If that makes any sense? I guess I am just in it until I figure it out.

I plan on returning to the beauty and quietness of Telluride next month, I know what awaits me there. I am scared and worried and everything else, but my heart is there. However, everything else seems to be in Summit County. So should I stay or should I go? Should I return to the loveliness of Telluride and face that abusive guy, face the bs I ran away from, or should I follow the other parts and stay in Summit County?

Process: drift, return, flow, turnaround, recess, retreat, march, passage, progress, method, accomplishment, movement.

Well, that is it I guess. My process is messy and at the moment has no direction, I wish life could be easier and more clear, I really need that right now!!



My process from the last year and a half in pics: