Goodbye 2014

It is difficult to find the best way to describe or explain how the past year has been. I started this year with saying goodbye to the best dog in the world, my sweet Nanuk dog. Putting her down was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, the pain still radiates through my heart. I then went spinning into a dark place within myself and life became filled with sadness, filled with ghosts of who I was, what I loved and what I stood for. My days became a struggle and for weeks I did not leave my bed. Nothing for so long seemed to bring me any joy or happiness. At the same time this was going on, I was with a wonderful guy who I loved very much and still to this day love him as much as the night I fell in love with him. I spent my spring in the desert, adventuring in worlds so beautiful and amazing it seemed sometimes that they could only be places in my dreams. I spent my summer finishing my EMT and was finally awarded my EMT, something I thought I could not finish when I lost Nanuk. The ability to help others in their time of need, is powerful and it is something I value and something I am passionate about. When the summer began to end in the San Juan Mountains I left Telluride to start a new path, to start the path of nursing school, to do something with my life, so I could travel the world and help others. The desire to give back comes from my parents, two people who have spent their entire lives giving.
I rock climbed my head off, met a lot of cool people to climb with, taught a few people how to climb, I was able to lead a 5.11 by the end of Fall. Lead climbing is bliss for me, its the only time in my life when I am focused on just that moment and everything else in the world seems to disappear. It is magical and powerful and I love climbing with all my heart, I love the challenge and the way it changes me as a person, how it grounds me and allows me to push myself.

I volunteered at the Animal Shelter in Frisco, because I knew that Nanuk would want me to help other dogs in need and that through working with shelter dogs, maybe my heart would get some peace with losing Nanuk. I fell in love with one dog in particular, Bubba. I found Bubba a home in Montana, and I drove him out there to his new home. It was hard to say goodbye, because I wanted him so badly, but I knew it still was not time for me. I took a walk with him before I said my final goodbye and sat with him by the creek near his new home, I took some of Nanuk's ashes and spread them out there. For me, it was a sign that through Bubba, through loving another dog, it helped me grief and go from the anger stage of grief into the acceptance stage. I found happiness in this.

My friends in Summit County helped me find my strength and courage to be myself again. I remembered how smart and funny I was. I remembered how much I loved hanging out with friends and making new ones.  So to all my Summit County friends, thank you for helping me remember who I was and for loving me, thank you for saving me. During my time in Summit County I also figured out a lot of my health issues that have caused me a great deal of struggle over the years, I was diagnosed with a hole in my heart, POTS, and sleep hypoxia, among the other auto immune diseases I already knew I had: Pernicious anemia and Chrons disease. My health has been so much of a struggle for so long, and now I can have surgery to fix my heart and hopefully, my symptoms will decrease. Having all of these health problems has been very frustrating for me, I ask God often, why couldn't I have just gotten one disease or one health issue, sometimes I find myself losing it and falling down and crying, because I am so active and my health issues have in many ways worn my body down, I feel sick, fatigued a lot and sometimes the pain gets the best of me. However, I know that I can manage all of them and that having all of these health issues and diseases is just a test of my strength. I can't wait for my heart surgery!!

Many good things happened during my stay in Summit County, I got all As in my nursing pre reqs, I had great doctors that helped me figure out the problems I had been suffering with for years, I had time for personal reflection, I made good friends, and I learned a lot about myself. But, everyday Telluride was in my heart. So after a semester away from Telluride, I knew I had to return. I had left a place I loved, there was a guy in Telluride I loved. I can't deny that our relationship was toxic when I was in Telluride before, but I felt something in my heart urging me to return to Telluride, so in December I did. I have been able to learn the lessons of forgiveness and love through my relationship with him and now feel content in my decision moving back to Telluride. So for now, I am in Telluride. I am excited for 2015, I know it will be one for the books. 2014, was a roller coaster of love, loss, pain, sadness, and forgiveness. Forgiveness being the most important lesson, being able to allow myself to forgive has given me a chance to love again, to stand strong and to see the beauty in the world. Thank you to everyone who helped me, loved me, or was a part of my life in 2014. This was a hard year, but I made it.. Each year I get a little closer to finding my place in the world. HAYDUKE LIVES!!!!
Bring it 2015!!!