Goodbye 2014

It is difficult to find the best way to describe or explain how the past year has been. I started this year with saying goodbye to the best dog in the world, my sweet Nanuk dog. Putting her down was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, the pain still radiates through my heart. I then went spinning into a dark place within myself and life became filled with sadness, filled with ghosts of who I was, what I loved and what I stood for. My days became a struggle and for weeks I did not leave my bed. Nothing for so long seemed to bring me any joy or happiness. At the same time this was going on, I was with a wonderful guy who I loved very much and still to this day love him as much as the night I fell in love with him. I spent my spring in the desert, adventuring in worlds so beautiful and amazing it seemed sometimes that they could only be places in my dreams. I spent my summer finishing my EMT and was finally awarded my EMT, something I thought I could not finish when I lost Nanuk. The ability to help others in their time of need, is powerful and it is something I value and something I am passionate about. When the summer began to end in the San Juan Mountains I left Telluride to start a new path, to start the path of nursing school, to do something with my life, so I could travel the world and help others. The desire to give back comes from my parents, two people who have spent their entire lives giving.
I rock climbed my head off, met a lot of cool people to climb with, taught a few people how to climb, I was able to lead a 5.11 by the end of Fall. Lead climbing is bliss for me, its the only time in my life when I am focused on just that moment and everything else in the world seems to disappear. It is magical and powerful and I love climbing with all my heart, I love the challenge and the way it changes me as a person, how it grounds me and allows me to push myself.

I volunteered at the Animal Shelter in Frisco, because I knew that Nanuk would want me to help other dogs in need and that through working with shelter dogs, maybe my heart would get some peace with losing Nanuk. I fell in love with one dog in particular, Bubba. I found Bubba a home in Montana, and I drove him out there to his new home. It was hard to say goodbye, because I wanted him so badly, but I knew it still was not time for me. I took a walk with him before I said my final goodbye and sat with him by the creek near his new home, I took some of Nanuk's ashes and spread them out there. For me, it was a sign that through Bubba, through loving another dog, it helped me grief and go from the anger stage of grief into the acceptance stage. I found happiness in this.

My friends in Summit County helped me find my strength and courage to be myself again. I remembered how smart and funny I was. I remembered how much I loved hanging out with friends and making new ones.  So to all my Summit County friends, thank you for helping me remember who I was and for loving me, thank you for saving me. During my time in Summit County I also figured out a lot of my health issues that have caused me a great deal of struggle over the years, I was diagnosed with a hole in my heart, POTS, and sleep hypoxia, among the other auto immune diseases I already knew I had: Pernicious anemia and Chrons disease. My health has been so much of a struggle for so long, and now I can have surgery to fix my heart and hopefully, my symptoms will decrease. Having all of these health problems has been very frustrating for me, I ask God often, why couldn't I have just gotten one disease or one health issue, sometimes I find myself losing it and falling down and crying, because I am so active and my health issues have in many ways worn my body down, I feel sick, fatigued a lot and sometimes the pain gets the best of me. However, I know that I can manage all of them and that having all of these health issues and diseases is just a test of my strength. I can't wait for my heart surgery!!

Many good things happened during my stay in Summit County, I got all As in my nursing pre reqs, I had great doctors that helped me figure out the problems I had been suffering with for years, I had time for personal reflection, I made good friends, and I learned a lot about myself. But, everyday Telluride was in my heart. So after a semester away from Telluride, I knew I had to return. I had left a place I loved, there was a guy in Telluride I loved. I can't deny that our relationship was toxic when I was in Telluride before, but I felt something in my heart urging me to return to Telluride, so in December I did. I have been able to learn the lessons of forgiveness and love through my relationship with him and now feel content in my decision moving back to Telluride. So for now, I am in Telluride. I am excited for 2015, I know it will be one for the books. 2014, was a roller coaster of love, loss, pain, sadness, and forgiveness. Forgiveness being the most important lesson, being able to allow myself to forgive has given me a chance to love again, to stand strong and to see the beauty in the world. Thank you to everyone who helped me, loved me, or was a part of my life in 2014. This was a hard year, but I made it.. Each year I get a little closer to finding my place in the world. HAYDUKE LIVES!!!!
Bring it 2015!!!

The Process

Process: a continuous series of changes and actions, to go forward, to grow, to improve, to go to the next stage, to reach a goal. That is at least what the known definitions of process are; for me, though, my process has been a little bit of all of those things. I am currently stuck in a phase of my process, a phase of unknowns, choices, and too many ideas. I moved away from Telluride, though I left my heart in the San Juan Mountains, in order to pursue nursing school, but maybe, it wasn't all just to go back to school. I have 6 years of college and I am well educated, though that means nothing because I have never been able to find a decent job using any of my current education.

I came back to Summit County, a place I spent 10 years in, a place where I am safe, well known, have tons of personal and social connections and a place where in many ways I grew up. My years in Summit County were valuable in making me the person I am today. So, I returned to Summit County because it had seemed as though I lost who I was, I allowed a guy to physically assault me, steal from me, lie to me, and hurt me, I allowed him to take the best parts of me and turn them into a ghost of what were once my best qualities. Being back in Summit County, I have regained those qualities. I have found my courage and strength; I have remembered what matters in life, who I am and what I so love. I have found peace and therapy here spending my days on the rock and working with shelter dogs. I have rediscovered that I am capable of meeting new people and developing friendships and having fun with other people. I have allowed myself to grief for the loss of my dear friend Nanuk dog, who spent most of her life here, some days I swear I will never stop hurting and grieving, but I know deep down somewhere that one day I will, that, that in itself is a process. I also know that  sometimes there are many processes happening at once and no matter how hard it is, you have to allow the process to run its course. I thought I was in the process of doing pre reqs for nursing school, but now, I am lost, now, I don't know what I want to do. The idea of being a guide in the mountains and getting more certifications in order to do that is a romantic one, it appeals to me because nothing in this world speaks more to my heart than adventure and the mountains. Nothing in this world gives me such bliss. But, nursing school, opens the door for me to travel anywhere in the world and help others, give back and save lives. What is best for me, for my life, which process do I take, where do I go from here?

Money isn't that big of a thing, but I would love it if I could be financially sound and nursing would provide me with that, but I just don't know and thought I did, I thought I wanted to be a nurse.  Maybe the real reason I returned to Summit County was to find myself again, to remember how to be happy, how to feel connected and how to feel strong again. Maybe Summit County is my process right now. Maybe, I should just let be what will be. I have embarked on many journeys in my life, each a process of its own, each scary and wonderful at the same time and in the end it all works out. So, I guess I am in the process of finding the correct process for me. If that makes any sense? I guess I am just in it until I figure it out.

I plan on returning to the beauty and quietness of Telluride next month, I know what awaits me there. I am scared and worried and everything else, but my heart is there. However, everything else seems to be in Summit County. So should I stay or should I go? Should I return to the loveliness of Telluride and face that abusive guy, face the bs I ran away from, or should I follow the other parts and stay in Summit County?

Process: drift, return, flow, turnaround, recess, retreat, march, passage, progress, method, accomplishment, movement.

Well, that is it I guess. My process is messy and at the moment has no direction, I wish life could be easier and more clear, I really need that right now!!



My process from the last year and a half in pics:

The Story of Nanuk and I: The final Chapter

I don't remember the exact day that Nanuk dog started to slowed down, but I do clearly remember thinking to myself, how strange it was to see her lag behind me and slowly follow me, how strange it was that she wasn't running far ahead of me, that there she was right behind me, following me steadily and slowly. Nanuk dog always loved to run free, to chase anything that moved, to explore the world with her wet nose, to roll in anything that smelled like s***(mud, cow poop, bear poop, dead fish, horse poop, dead animals) those things were her favorite perfume. Nanuk has been with me since she was a puppy, 8 weeks old, I had her whole story, I have had every chapter, when she learned to walk without being floppy, I was there, when she got her big dog bark I was there, when she learned to love the outdoors, the mountains, and the snow, I was there, right next to her. When she grew old and weary I was there. Of course, I truly wasn't always there, I traveled and left her during those times, but everyday whether I was with her or not I loved her. She made me feel strong and safe, and special, when I was with her I was the richest girl in the world, I was queen. One stroke of her fur calmed me down and brought me peace, one hug took all my sadness and loneliness away, one kiss on the face made me feel like the most important person in the world. When she rolled in the snow or scooted her butt, she made me laugh. When she wasn't with me, I wished that she was, adventures outside were never fully perfect when she wasn't there.  Nanuk dogs story has, is and will always be mine!! Sadly, even the most wonderful, epic stories eventually come to an end.

When Nanuk dog got injured back in October, I had no idea that I was writting her final chapters, that the wonderful, amazing, adventure dog's life would begin to end from an injured leg. The months since October have been rough to say the least, I have worried about her every second, it consumed me. But, she is my best friend I would tell myself, and it was my duty to take care of her, to help her, to love her, so I did, everyday I did, I watched the years disappear from her, I watched her body suffer, struggle, and I knew that I could never give her as much as she gave me, I knew it was impossible to do for her what she had done for me. Those months were filled with much sadness and hardship for us both, but there was also great profound moments between the two of us. Because Nanuk could no longer run and play very well, even after her cast came off, the two of us would sit together outside for hours, sometimes it was in the snow, on the sidewalk or in the middle of the road, wherever she wanted to sit and whenever she became tired and laid down, no matter where it was, I would sit next to her, pet her, and talk to her. Most days we sat outside together for hours, in those moments it was as though she was saying to me,"just sit here in the sun, watch the world and love me." She was teaching me how to be patient and how to enjoy the moment. During a recheck of her leg and asking for chest x-rays because of worrisome signs, we found out she was in right sided heart failure. I will never forget the moment when I heard that news, something deep inside me ached, it was then that I knew my days with her were numbered and that even with the best medicine and doctors, and specialists, her life would be coming to an end, the injured leg wasn't the issue anymore, her condition was worsening because of her heart. Up until that day, I had hope that her leg would heal and I would get my best friend back.

Heart failure is painful, she coughed a lot, she panted and stared at me. She struggled to breathe many times, she lost most of her energy, she became very slow and I could see the exhaustion in her eyes. I tried a medication that was suppose to help the heart contract, but after a month, I saw almost no change in her condition. It was time, it was time to say goodbye, to make that call for her, to finish the story and write the final page. I scheduled it twice, but I could not bring myself to do it, I still saw glimpses of the dog I knew, so I felt like maybe there is hope and maybe it isn't time, I did not know, I struggled with this for weeks.  Finally I scheduled it again, the two days before my appointment Nanuk and I played outside all day, she was a playful silly dog again, she chased a ball, rolled in the snow, I was confused, there she was acting like a younger healthier dog. Was I making the wrong decision?
Though she gave me those days of joy, at night she could barely move. I knew deep down somewhere that I was doing the right thing, though that didn't give me any consolation.

 On the morning of our appointment, she was having trouble breathing, I had not slept, I felt sick, I felt so bad, so god damn bad. I laid with her on her bed for a little while before we left for the appointment. When we got there, she did not want to go inside, she laid down in the sun and ignored me. After awhile I got her inside, the dr came in the room and I started to cry, asking him to tell me if I was making the right decision, he said to me," this is the kind decision because you don't want her to suffer," I didn't want to her suffer and I would rather remember her rolling in the snow, then being miserable. That is true. He tried to get Nanuk up to walk, she refused, he picked her up and took her into the back room to place a catheter in her leg. By the time he brought her back it seemed as though she had been gone for hours, it was probably only a few minutes though. I was a mess, I could not think straight. The dr then explained how it all worked, I told him I wanted to take her and go sit outside in the sun, he allowed me to do that. We carried her outside and tried to lay her on a towel, but as Nanuk dog would do, she did not lay on the towel, she would rather lay in the dirty wet grass. I sat there with her, I did not know how to say goodbye, what to do, what to say, what to think, I cried, the dr came out a while later and asked if I was ready, I said,"no," I knew I could never say goodbye enough, that there was never going to be a perfect moment to do this, so I said to myself next time he comes out, I will be ready, although I was never going to be ready. Nanuk laid there in the sun, watching the world, being a dog, when the dr came out again, I nodded, he kneeled at her head, I grabbed her body, I hugged her and could not let go, the first injection was put in her catheter, I hugged her more, then the second one, I cried my brains out, I just laid on top of her hugging her. I heard the dr say," she's gone." I lost it again, denying she was gone, crying, petting her, begging for her back. I saw her eyes still open, her body lifeless, it was the most awful thing. The dr picked her body up and started walking away, I ran over to him, crying, asking if I could sit with her, he lead me into a room inside and laid her on the table. Then he left the room.

What do I do, where do I go from here, how do I make the pain go away? I noticed she had pooped during the process, so I wiped her bottom, I tried to close her eyes, they would not close, I stood there starring at her, in disbelief, in horror, I have never seen anyone or anything die, it was awful, so very awful and now, after all those years, all those mountains, all the 1000s of miles I hiked with her, all those wonderful moments, and stories, and days, that was the end. I kept trying to find the right words to say, I fell to the ground, and just kept asking for her back. I found the courage to go touch her, I kissed her from her nose to her tail, I rubbed her tummy and uttered some last goodbyes. I saw her leg twitch and I ran out to the front where my friend was, he had to explain to me that twitching occurs after death and that she was in deed gone. I could not leave that room, I could not leave her alone, I stayed with her for awhile, and when I reached the point that I knew she was really gone, I stumbled out of the room, I was like a zombie. I felt like I had the flu, my heart ached so deeply. My world felt empty and lonely and my heart shattered. Nanuk was so stoic, so strong, so wonderful, in her hardest moments she found it in her heart to play with me, to walk and get up even though it hurt, to make me laugh, to follow me, to kiss my face, during her final moments she still had the spirit of a DOG!!

I don't know where I go from here, what I will do,  or how long my heart will ache? I look back on my years with her and wonder, did I do my best, did she know she was loved, did she have a great life? I know deep down that I am human, we make mistakes and we are not perfect. I was a little girl when I got Nanuk, and now I am a grown women, she blessed my life in so many ways. She gave me courage, strength, and love. She taught me how to love and care for something, how the most joyous things in life are often as simple as rolling in the snow, she taught me about grace, loyalty and she made me feel unique and special. She listened to all of my secrets, good and bad, but never judged me, she loved me full hearted even when I did not deserve to be loved, she loved me, no questions at all. The bond between a human and their dog, is the most powerful bond, she was my best friend, my mirror, my teacher, my listener, my role model, she was my everything. People used to say Nanuk was a lucky dog, but I was the lucky one, I got to be her human. I don't know where this journey will take me, I am scared, I am lonely and I am sad beyond words. In time I hope that I can make peace with this, that I can be as great of a person as Nanuk thought I was. Thank you for letting me be your human, for making me a better person. I know you are watching over me and that you wont ever be completely gone!! When all is said and done, Nanuk dog passed away with dignity and love, she is at peace now, and I am glad that I could make this difficult decision for her. RIP my wonderful friend!!