Goodbye 2014

It is difficult to find the best way to describe or explain how the past year has been. I started this year with saying goodbye to the best dog in the world, my sweet Nanuk dog. Putting her down was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, the pain still radiates through my heart. I then went spinning into a dark place within myself and life became filled with sadness, filled with ghosts of who I was, what I loved and what I stood for. My days became a struggle and for weeks I did not leave my bed. Nothing for so long seemed to bring me any joy or happiness. At the same time this was going on, I was with a wonderful guy who I loved very much and still to this day love him as much as the night I fell in love with him. I spent my spring in the desert, adventuring in worlds so beautiful and amazing it seemed sometimes that they could only be places in my dreams. I spent my summer finishing my EMT and was finally awarded my EMT, something I thought I could not finish when I lost Nanuk. The ability to help others in their time of need, is powerful and it is something I value and something I am passionate about. When the summer began to end in the San Juan Mountains I left Telluride to start a new path, to start the path of nursing school, to do something with my life, so I could travel the world and help others. The desire to give back comes from my parents, two people who have spent their entire lives giving.
I rock climbed my head off, met a lot of cool people to climb with, taught a few people how to climb, I was able to lead a 5.11 by the end of Fall. Lead climbing is bliss for me, its the only time in my life when I am focused on just that moment and everything else in the world seems to disappear. It is magical and powerful and I love climbing with all my heart, I love the challenge and the way it changes me as a person, how it grounds me and allows me to push myself.

I volunteered at the Animal Shelter in Frisco, because I knew that Nanuk would want me to help other dogs in need and that through working with shelter dogs, maybe my heart would get some peace with losing Nanuk. I fell in love with one dog in particular, Bubba. I found Bubba a home in Montana, and I drove him out there to his new home. It was hard to say goodbye, because I wanted him so badly, but I knew it still was not time for me. I took a walk with him before I said my final goodbye and sat with him by the creek near his new home, I took some of Nanuk's ashes and spread them out there. For me, it was a sign that through Bubba, through loving another dog, it helped me grief and go from the anger stage of grief into the acceptance stage. I found happiness in this.

My friends in Summit County helped me find my strength and courage to be myself again. I remembered how smart and funny I was. I remembered how much I loved hanging out with friends and making new ones.  So to all my Summit County friends, thank you for helping me remember who I was and for loving me, thank you for saving me. During my time in Summit County I also figured out a lot of my health issues that have caused me a great deal of struggle over the years, I was diagnosed with a hole in my heart, POTS, and sleep hypoxia, among the other auto immune diseases I already knew I had: Pernicious anemia and Chrons disease. My health has been so much of a struggle for so long, and now I can have surgery to fix my heart and hopefully, my symptoms will decrease. Having all of these health problems has been very frustrating for me, I ask God often, why couldn't I have just gotten one disease or one health issue, sometimes I find myself losing it and falling down and crying, because I am so active and my health issues have in many ways worn my body down, I feel sick, fatigued a lot and sometimes the pain gets the best of me. However, I know that I can manage all of them and that having all of these health issues and diseases is just a test of my strength. I can't wait for my heart surgery!!

Many good things happened during my stay in Summit County, I got all As in my nursing pre reqs, I had great doctors that helped me figure out the problems I had been suffering with for years, I had time for personal reflection, I made good friends, and I learned a lot about myself. But, everyday Telluride was in my heart. So after a semester away from Telluride, I knew I had to return. I had left a place I loved, there was a guy in Telluride I loved. I can't deny that our relationship was toxic when I was in Telluride before, but I felt something in my heart urging me to return to Telluride, so in December I did. I have been able to learn the lessons of forgiveness and love through my relationship with him and now feel content in my decision moving back to Telluride. So for now, I am in Telluride. I am excited for 2015, I know it will be one for the books. 2014, was a roller coaster of love, loss, pain, sadness, and forgiveness. Forgiveness being the most important lesson, being able to allow myself to forgive has given me a chance to love again, to stand strong and to see the beauty in the world. Thank you to everyone who helped me, loved me, or was a part of my life in 2014. This was a hard year, but I made it.. Each year I get a little closer to finding my place in the world. HAYDUKE LIVES!!!!
Bring it 2015!!!

The Process

Process: a continuous series of changes and actions, to go forward, to grow, to improve, to go to the next stage, to reach a goal. That is at least what the known definitions of process are; for me, though, my process has been a little bit of all of those things. I am currently stuck in a phase of my process, a phase of unknowns, choices, and too many ideas. I moved away from Telluride, though I left my heart in the San Juan Mountains, in order to pursue nursing school, but maybe, it wasn't all just to go back to school. I have 6 years of college and I am well educated, though that means nothing because I have never been able to find a decent job using any of my current education.

I came back to Summit County, a place I spent 10 years in, a place where I am safe, well known, have tons of personal and social connections and a place where in many ways I grew up. My years in Summit County were valuable in making me the person I am today. So, I returned to Summit County because it had seemed as though I lost who I was, I allowed a guy to physically assault me, steal from me, lie to me, and hurt me, I allowed him to take the best parts of me and turn them into a ghost of what were once my best qualities. Being back in Summit County, I have regained those qualities. I have found my courage and strength; I have remembered what matters in life, who I am and what I so love. I have found peace and therapy here spending my days on the rock and working with shelter dogs. I have rediscovered that I am capable of meeting new people and developing friendships and having fun with other people. I have allowed myself to grief for the loss of my dear friend Nanuk dog, who spent most of her life here, some days I swear I will never stop hurting and grieving, but I know deep down somewhere that one day I will, that, that in itself is a process. I also know that  sometimes there are many processes happening at once and no matter how hard it is, you have to allow the process to run its course. I thought I was in the process of doing pre reqs for nursing school, but now, I am lost, now, I don't know what I want to do. The idea of being a guide in the mountains and getting more certifications in order to do that is a romantic one, it appeals to me because nothing in this world speaks more to my heart than adventure and the mountains. Nothing in this world gives me such bliss. But, nursing school, opens the door for me to travel anywhere in the world and help others, give back and save lives. What is best for me, for my life, which process do I take, where do I go from here?

Money isn't that big of a thing, but I would love it if I could be financially sound and nursing would provide me with that, but I just don't know and thought I did, I thought I wanted to be a nurse.  Maybe the real reason I returned to Summit County was to find myself again, to remember how to be happy, how to feel connected and how to feel strong again. Maybe Summit County is my process right now. Maybe, I should just let be what will be. I have embarked on many journeys in my life, each a process of its own, each scary and wonderful at the same time and in the end it all works out. So, I guess I am in the process of finding the correct process for me. If that makes any sense? I guess I am just in it until I figure it out.

I plan on returning to the beauty and quietness of Telluride next month, I know what awaits me there. I am scared and worried and everything else, but my heart is there. However, everything else seems to be in Summit County. So should I stay or should I go? Should I return to the loveliness of Telluride and face that abusive guy, face the bs I ran away from, or should I follow the other parts and stay in Summit County?

Process: drift, return, flow, turnaround, recess, retreat, march, passage, progress, method, accomplishment, movement.

Well, that is it I guess. My process is messy and at the moment has no direction, I wish life could be easier and more clear, I really need that right now!!



My process from the last year and a half in pics:

The Story of Nanuk and I: The final Chapter

I don't remember the exact day that Nanuk dog started to slowed down, but I do clearly remember thinking to myself, how strange it was to see her lag behind me and slowly follow me, how strange it was that she wasn't running far ahead of me, that there she was right behind me, following me steadily and slowly. Nanuk dog always loved to run free, to chase anything that moved, to explore the world with her wet nose, to roll in anything that smelled like s***(mud, cow poop, bear poop, dead fish, horse poop, dead animals) those things were her favorite perfume. Nanuk has been with me since she was a puppy, 8 weeks old, I had her whole story, I have had every chapter, when she learned to walk without being floppy, I was there, when she got her big dog bark I was there, when she learned to love the outdoors, the mountains, and the snow, I was there, right next to her. When she grew old and weary I was there. Of course, I truly wasn't always there, I traveled and left her during those times, but everyday whether I was with her or not I loved her. She made me feel strong and safe, and special, when I was with her I was the richest girl in the world, I was queen. One stroke of her fur calmed me down and brought me peace, one hug took all my sadness and loneliness away, one kiss on the face made me feel like the most important person in the world. When she rolled in the snow or scooted her butt, she made me laugh. When she wasn't with me, I wished that she was, adventures outside were never fully perfect when she wasn't there.  Nanuk dogs story has, is and will always be mine!! Sadly, even the most wonderful, epic stories eventually come to an end.

When Nanuk dog got injured back in October, I had no idea that I was writting her final chapters, that the wonderful, amazing, adventure dog's life would begin to end from an injured leg. The months since October have been rough to say the least, I have worried about her every second, it consumed me. But, she is my best friend I would tell myself, and it was my duty to take care of her, to help her, to love her, so I did, everyday I did, I watched the years disappear from her, I watched her body suffer, struggle, and I knew that I could never give her as much as she gave me, I knew it was impossible to do for her what she had done for me. Those months were filled with much sadness and hardship for us both, but there was also great profound moments between the two of us. Because Nanuk could no longer run and play very well, even after her cast came off, the two of us would sit together outside for hours, sometimes it was in the snow, on the sidewalk or in the middle of the road, wherever she wanted to sit and whenever she became tired and laid down, no matter where it was, I would sit next to her, pet her, and talk to her. Most days we sat outside together for hours, in those moments it was as though she was saying to me,"just sit here in the sun, watch the world and love me." She was teaching me how to be patient and how to enjoy the moment. During a recheck of her leg and asking for chest x-rays because of worrisome signs, we found out she was in right sided heart failure. I will never forget the moment when I heard that news, something deep inside me ached, it was then that I knew my days with her were numbered and that even with the best medicine and doctors, and specialists, her life would be coming to an end, the injured leg wasn't the issue anymore, her condition was worsening because of her heart. Up until that day, I had hope that her leg would heal and I would get my best friend back.

Heart failure is painful, she coughed a lot, she panted and stared at me. She struggled to breathe many times, she lost most of her energy, she became very slow and I could see the exhaustion in her eyes. I tried a medication that was suppose to help the heart contract, but after a month, I saw almost no change in her condition. It was time, it was time to say goodbye, to make that call for her, to finish the story and write the final page. I scheduled it twice, but I could not bring myself to do it, I still saw glimpses of the dog I knew, so I felt like maybe there is hope and maybe it isn't time, I did not know, I struggled with this for weeks.  Finally I scheduled it again, the two days before my appointment Nanuk and I played outside all day, she was a playful silly dog again, she chased a ball, rolled in the snow, I was confused, there she was acting like a younger healthier dog. Was I making the wrong decision?
Though she gave me those days of joy, at night she could barely move. I knew deep down somewhere that I was doing the right thing, though that didn't give me any consolation.

 On the morning of our appointment, she was having trouble breathing, I had not slept, I felt sick, I felt so bad, so god damn bad. I laid with her on her bed for a little while before we left for the appointment. When we got there, she did not want to go inside, she laid down in the sun and ignored me. After awhile I got her inside, the dr came in the room and I started to cry, asking him to tell me if I was making the right decision, he said to me," this is the kind decision because you don't want her to suffer," I didn't want to her suffer and I would rather remember her rolling in the snow, then being miserable. That is true. He tried to get Nanuk up to walk, she refused, he picked her up and took her into the back room to place a catheter in her leg. By the time he brought her back it seemed as though she had been gone for hours, it was probably only a few minutes though. I was a mess, I could not think straight. The dr then explained how it all worked, I told him I wanted to take her and go sit outside in the sun, he allowed me to do that. We carried her outside and tried to lay her on a towel, but as Nanuk dog would do, she did not lay on the towel, she would rather lay in the dirty wet grass. I sat there with her, I did not know how to say goodbye, what to do, what to say, what to think, I cried, the dr came out a while later and asked if I was ready, I said,"no," I knew I could never say goodbye enough, that there was never going to be a perfect moment to do this, so I said to myself next time he comes out, I will be ready, although I was never going to be ready. Nanuk laid there in the sun, watching the world, being a dog, when the dr came out again, I nodded, he kneeled at her head, I grabbed her body, I hugged her and could not let go, the first injection was put in her catheter, I hugged her more, then the second one, I cried my brains out, I just laid on top of her hugging her. I heard the dr say," she's gone." I lost it again, denying she was gone, crying, petting her, begging for her back. I saw her eyes still open, her body lifeless, it was the most awful thing. The dr picked her body up and started walking away, I ran over to him, crying, asking if I could sit with her, he lead me into a room inside and laid her on the table. Then he left the room.

What do I do, where do I go from here, how do I make the pain go away? I noticed she had pooped during the process, so I wiped her bottom, I tried to close her eyes, they would not close, I stood there starring at her, in disbelief, in horror, I have never seen anyone or anything die, it was awful, so very awful and now, after all those years, all those mountains, all the 1000s of miles I hiked with her, all those wonderful moments, and stories, and days, that was the end. I kept trying to find the right words to say, I fell to the ground, and just kept asking for her back. I found the courage to go touch her, I kissed her from her nose to her tail, I rubbed her tummy and uttered some last goodbyes. I saw her leg twitch and I ran out to the front where my friend was, he had to explain to me that twitching occurs after death and that she was in deed gone. I could not leave that room, I could not leave her alone, I stayed with her for awhile, and when I reached the point that I knew she was really gone, I stumbled out of the room, I was like a zombie. I felt like I had the flu, my heart ached so deeply. My world felt empty and lonely and my heart shattered. Nanuk was so stoic, so strong, so wonderful, in her hardest moments she found it in her heart to play with me, to walk and get up even though it hurt, to make me laugh, to follow me, to kiss my face, during her final moments she still had the spirit of a DOG!!

I don't know where I go from here, what I will do,  or how long my heart will ache? I look back on my years with her and wonder, did I do my best, did she know she was loved, did she have a great life? I know deep down that I am human, we make mistakes and we are not perfect. I was a little girl when I got Nanuk, and now I am a grown women, she blessed my life in so many ways. She gave me courage, strength, and love. She taught me how to love and care for something, how the most joyous things in life are often as simple as rolling in the snow, she taught me about grace, loyalty and she made me feel unique and special. She listened to all of my secrets, good and bad, but never judged me, she loved me full hearted even when I did not deserve to be loved, she loved me, no questions at all. The bond between a human and their dog, is the most powerful bond, she was my best friend, my mirror, my teacher, my listener, my role model, she was my everything. People used to say Nanuk was a lucky dog, but I was the lucky one, I got to be her human. I don't know where this journey will take me, I am scared, I am lonely and I am sad beyond words. In time I hope that I can make peace with this, that I can be as great of a person as Nanuk thought I was. Thank you for letting me be your human, for making me a better person. I know you are watching over me and that you wont ever be completely gone!! When all is said and done, Nanuk dog passed away with dignity and love, she is at peace now, and I am glad that I could make this difficult decision for her. RIP my wonderful friend!!

Where have all the years gone!!

About two weeks ago, while I was out climbing, Nanuk was injured! When it happened, I felt as though my world was crashing down, I rushed her to the hospital, still wearing my harness, unable to stop my tears. It was determined that she had torn ligament in her leg and had a possible fracture, this does not sound like a very bad injury, but to an 11 year dog, this is a horrible injury. Nanuk's life was based on tagging along with me while I climbed, hiked, backpacked, skied, bagged peaks; she knows no other life, than that of adventure, long days outside and being free to roam, sniff, roll around, run and explore. Upon returning for a recheck to the Vet on Saturday it was found through another series of X-rays that she had fractured her Ulna(wrist) and that the tear in her Carpus needed surgery. The past two weeks have been extremely difficult and sad for me. I have had to carry her down the stairs so she can go to the bathroom, on some days I have had to hold her while she goes to the bathroom, I have listened to cries of pain and I have watched as the dog that once ran free and rolled in the snow and explored the woods, now sits sadly and stares off in the distance. I have realized that the day she was injured was probably my last day outside playing with her, that all of the long days spent together exploring the mountains have come to an end. My days with her now involve constant assistance with basic things, pain med adminstration, sitting outside with her and petting her, while she stares off and wonders why she can't run and play in the snow. My heart aches in the worst way! It is awful, it is so awful, that some nights, most nights, I don't sleep. Where have all those years gone? Where is the dog that once stood on top of 14,000 foot peaks with me and thru hiked the Colorado Trail?

Nanuk used to get so damn excited in the morning or when I would put a backpack on, she would bark and run around and bite my pants, wag her tail and run for the door, it used to annoy me, because she was quite loud and relentless and I could never finish packing up, today, I would give anything in the world to see her behave that way again. I have been told that she is probably not in pain now,  which is encouraging, she is in a fiberglass cast and will be for 6-8 weeks! The next move is up to me, do I put her through surgery, that I can't afford, a surgery that could kill her because anesthesia is a risk, and recovery is long and hard! Do I sell my car, return my ski pass, sell my gear, or find the money in a loan for her surgery? Do I give her a custom splint, that will keep her leg stable, but allow for chronic pain and the chance that even then she wont run around or chase a ball? Or do, I say goodbye and put her down?? I hate playing God, I hate decisions when each choice sucks!

I can't seem to come to a decision, I have done a little research about my options and then when I sit and think, I see her, and I am flooded with tears! I am sadden that her life has come to this, I regret that I was not the perfect mother to her everyday, that some days I ignored her, or I was too busy, or I yelled at her, or I was inpatient with her or irritated with her. I regret all the time I spent away from her, fulfilling my own silly goals! I so miss the days when she was stronger and able to join me on my adventures. I feel like I have already lost her, I feel sick to my stomach and my heart is broken. What do I do? I am glad she is not in pain, at least thats what the Vet says, and I hope that is correct! I sit with her outside often these days, I watch her watch the world around her, I pet her, kiss her, watch her struggle to get up and greet the dogs she once played with. To some people she is just a dog, to me, she is my world, she is best friend, my roommate, my protector, my hiking buddy, my mirror, my saving grace! To me, she is everything and the thought of coming home to an empty home, kills me.

I am not sure where this path will take me, or where it will take her, but wherever we end up, I loved her everyday, I am so thankful for her, for all the lessons she has taught me, for her love,friendship and loyalty, for the chance to call her my dog. I am so humbled by her and how big her heart is. When she was lying on the floor at the Vet the day she was injured, she managed to pick her head up and kiss me and wag her tail, despite the fact she was in pain and high from sedation. She is an extrodinary dog!!
Without her my life will be less special who will watch over me, who will climb off summits just to bring a stick back to me, who will make me laugh, or cuddle with me, or listen to me, who will give me something to wake up for and to love? Who will be there waiting for me at the end of the day?

I know in my heart that her life is coming to an end, whether it is from this injury or not! I know it because I see it in her eyes. I see only pieces of what she once was and I know that soon I will say goodbye to her. I trust that the universe will help me make the right choice here. I pray she knows how much I love her, and I pray she feels like she had a great life. This is the worst part of having and loving a dog, watching them age, watching them slow down and not being able to fix it. If I can't manage her pain, I will do the right thing and say goodbye. I wish so much that she had never gotten hurt, I feel guilty because I am the one who brought her along.

I guess all I can do for now, is love her, spend time with her, remember all she brought to my life and wait and see what will be!! As much as I hate that, thats truly all I can do!!

365 days ago!!

One year ago from today, I was completing my journey on the Pacific Crest Trail(PCT). I remember that day very well as though it happened yesterday, it was warm, sunny, perfect, the scent of fall lingered in the air and my heart was aching. I remember how I wished the final miles could go on forever. I was finishing a journey that had been the greatest most amazing experience of my life. I remember reaching Monument 78, the Canadian/US border, I remember how I was overwhelmed in a way I had never been before, how time felt as though it stood still and how I could not figure out how to feel, what to say, or what to think. When I think about September 27, 2012, it still brings me to tears. It makes me feel sad because I miss it, because I miss the people I met, I miss the long days spent outside and the feeling within myself of working towards a goal and being on an grand adventure. Though sometimes now I admit,  I do think to myself, why would anyone hike 2,660 miles, once, let alone twice?? I began the PCT with an entire book of questions and I was sure that after thru hiking the PCT that something profound would occur within myself or my life.

Reaching Monument 78, was not a profound moment, it was bitter sweet, bitter mostly, maybe a better word is sad, it was sad, it was sad to have this dream, this journey come to an end, there was no more Trail, no more resupply towns, the magic seemed as though it just stopped, right there on the border, it stopped and all of a sudden the reality of "normal life" forced itself into my head. Ugh, normal life!! I had been waiting for this so called profound thing to happen and all that there was there, was a wooden monument :( Little did I know that in the coming months(during the past 365 days) thats when the profound changes would occur deep within myself. Little did I realize that the PCT did change me, there was something profound out of all of those miles. My time along the PCT continues to humble me, it continues to remind me of love, of beauty, of peace, of simplicity and of a life that I dearly love, for there is no better or richer life than that spent out of a backpack in the mountains.

People always asked me, don't you miss life back at home,  you are really hiking for 5 months, don't you miss this or that? I missed my dog, my family and my friends, sometimes I missed silly things like a bubble bath or music, or books, but out of all of the things I missed out there, the one thing that could make my day better was always the sound of my parents voice. I am old, but I tell ya, there was nothing as wonderful out there as the sound of my parents voice. I am so thankful to have my parents, to have had their support and love along the miles of the PCT! My mom always bitched about all the phone calls where she had to do"Trail Therapy." I am sure many phones calls were rough for them, I had difficult days out there, days of being cold, wet, hungry, lonely, tired, or weak and some days I wanted to quit and for some reason, I never did. So, of course I miss some things, mostly people or my dog. The countless conveniences of everyday life and so on, I don't much miss. I still think it is kinda of funny when someone says to me, "hey there is filtered water in the fridge." if they only knew what some of my water sources looked like, damn, dead mice, cow pies, horse poop, oh my!!

I have learned to become more simple in my own life, I have learned to slow down, to never give up, to dream big, then bigger, to value my time with the ones I love and to fully embrace the great outdoors, to allow the land and the wild to be my greatest teachers, to not become distracted with the unnecessary things in life, I have learned that a day spent outside is always grand and never wasted. But, above all that I have come to learn since my time out on the PCT, I have learned that I am capable of anything I put my mind to, I know people have told me that since I was little, but now I truly believe it!!
Long gone are my days on the PCT, but without the PCT, I would have never dared to dream what I am now.

Thank you to the Sauffleys, who opened their home and hearts to me as well as so many other hikers, thank you for having that piano in your home and allowing me to play it, thank you for all of the love. Thank you to the Andersons for all of your generosity, your wonderful backyard and all of the laughs. Thank you to the Dinsmores, who had enough wisdom to help me make the hard, but smart decision to stop hiking back in 2011, and thank you for opening your hearts and home to me once again in 2012. Thank you to Tom in Kennedy Meadows for lending me a bear canister for the Sierras and for all of the kindness and pancakes. Thank you to Shrek for driving me to get much needed socks. Thank you to Ziggy and the Bear for driving me to Palm Springs so I could fly home and attend my Grandmothers funeral. Thank you to Sugar Momma for that cookie at Deep Creek in 2011 and for your sweet personality and all of your love. Thank you to Larry and Lucy Mann, for being so wonderful  to me and for taking me in back in 2011, seeing you in Crater Lake last year, made my day! Thank you to Jim and Dona Miller for your hospitality, you made the final part of the PCT easier for me. God bless all of you!!

 Thank you to Cookie, Nino, Highlife, Zumi, the Swisters, White Bear, Dyno, Sunset, Tortoise, Sonjay, Tibetan, Shawn,  and many many others, thank you thank, guys for all of the wisdom, tears, laughter, encouragement, love, grace and friendship.

Lastly, thank you to my mom and dad for everything, there are no words to describe how much I love you and how grateful I am to you both.  Thank you mom and dad for all the countless phones calls of"Trail Therapy," for the cookies you sent me and for encouraging me to continue, when I wanted to quit. 

Thank you to everyone for being such a wonderful vital part of my thru hikes on the PCT!!

My Entry in the Register at the Canadian Border!!

The Mountains Are Calling!!

What the hell am I so scared of??

It has been a long time since I took some time to write, to reflect, to use my own writing as a personal tool to help me propel in life during difficult times. I have been scared, scared to sit and write, scared to own the words that would come out of me and afraid that I would not be able to make sense of them. I am a girl of many words, huge dreams and as many of you know, a girl with the desire to embark on great adventures.  I have put my next dream and goal of trekking from the tip of Northern Alaska all the way to the Southern most tip of Argentina on the back burner during the last few months, trying to somehow convince myself that it is crazy, inconceivable and impossible, maybe in an attempt to rid myself of this conflict I often find myself in-  what is the balance between "normal life" and my desires for grand adventure. I have failed to talk myself out of it, of course I realize that this trip could cost me my life, I could be kidnapped, eaten my a polar bear, starve to death, fall off a cliff, get lost, the list goes on and on. Or, I could attempt it, go for it full heartedly, see what happens, embark on a journey that will truly be the journey of a lifetime. I am not interested in being scared anymore, it gets me nowhere and clouds my head with doubt and in the end, I always follow the desire to go, to hike, to see the world by means of my own two feet!

It seems as though being scared as been a theme in my life recently, I have been scared to let old places go, to put myself out there, to climb harder, to hike further, to summit a peak, to leave my dog alone, to stand up for myself, to let old friends go, to allow my heart to be open, to meet new friends. I have been scared to live, and for me, the girl who picks up and hikes across the country alone, that is very bad thing. Being scared will not get me anywhere, I can't fight who I am. I fight myself everyday, attempting to figure myself out, chose a path, get a career or not? I can't seem to figure out who I am completely and what makes me happy. I do know this, if nothing else; I love the feeling of being out in the wild, of living out of pack, of spending my days and nights outside. I love the simple way of life it allows for and the truth is one needs nothing more than one can carry in their backpack.

I have been in this slump for awhile, trying so hard to fight it, to make myself happier or better and I have surrendered to the fact that sometimes you have to just stay where you are inside yourself, even if it sucks, even if its hard. I can't explain how I feel or why I feel the way I do, I just know I don't feel strong and happy these days. I miss the Trail, I miss that life and though my next big trek is a gigantic undertaking, I need to go, I need to find a way to make this trek happen!

A wise man once told me, "its risky out there, but go anyway, because life is short and there is nothing good on TV."

I am making it my life's work to get this trek sponsored and to make it a reality, because if I don't, my only excuse will be that I was just too scared!!