Goodbye 2014

It is difficult to find the best way to describe or explain how the past year has been. I started this year with saying goodbye to the best dog in the world, my sweet Nanuk dog. Putting her down was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, the pain still radiates through my heart. I then went spinning into a dark place within myself and life became filled with sadness, filled with ghosts of who I was, what I loved and what I stood for. My days became a struggle and for weeks I did not leave my bed. Nothing for so long seemed to bring me any joy or happiness. At the same time this was going on, I was with a wonderful guy who I loved very much and still to this day love him as much as the night I fell in love with him. I spent my spring in the desert, adventuring in worlds so beautiful and amazing it seemed sometimes that they could only be places in my dreams. I spent my summer finishing my EMT and was finally awarded my EMT, something I thought I could not finish when I lost Nanuk. The ability to help others in their time of need, is powerful and it is something I value and something I am passionate about. When the summer began to end in the San Juan Mountains I left Telluride to start a new path, to start the path of nursing school, to do something with my life, so I could travel the world and help others. The desire to give back comes from my parents, two people who have spent their entire lives giving.
I rock climbed my head off, met a lot of cool people to climb with, taught a few people how to climb, I was able to lead a 5.11 by the end of Fall. Lead climbing is bliss for me, its the only time in my life when I am focused on just that moment and everything else in the world seems to disappear. It is magical and powerful and I love climbing with all my heart, I love the challenge and the way it changes me as a person, how it grounds me and allows me to push myself.

I volunteered at the Animal Shelter in Frisco, because I knew that Nanuk would want me to help other dogs in need and that through working with shelter dogs, maybe my heart would get some peace with losing Nanuk. I fell in love with one dog in particular, Bubba. I found Bubba a home in Montana, and I drove him out there to his new home. It was hard to say goodbye, because I wanted him so badly, but I knew it still was not time for me. I took a walk with him before I said my final goodbye and sat with him by the creek near his new home, I took some of Nanuk's ashes and spread them out there. For me, it was a sign that through Bubba, through loving another dog, it helped me grief and go from the anger stage of grief into the acceptance stage. I found happiness in this.

My friends in Summit County helped me find my strength and courage to be myself again. I remembered how smart and funny I was. I remembered how much I loved hanging out with friends and making new ones.  So to all my Summit County friends, thank you for helping me remember who I was and for loving me, thank you for saving me. During my time in Summit County I also figured out a lot of my health issues that have caused me a great deal of struggle over the years, I was diagnosed with a hole in my heart, POTS, and sleep hypoxia, among the other auto immune diseases I already knew I had: Pernicious anemia and Chrons disease. My health has been so much of a struggle for so long, and now I can have surgery to fix my heart and hopefully, my symptoms will decrease. Having all of these health problems has been very frustrating for me, I ask God often, why couldn't I have just gotten one disease or one health issue, sometimes I find myself losing it and falling down and crying, because I am so active and my health issues have in many ways worn my body down, I feel sick, fatigued a lot and sometimes the pain gets the best of me. However, I know that I can manage all of them and that having all of these health issues and diseases is just a test of my strength. I can't wait for my heart surgery!!

Many good things happened during my stay in Summit County, I got all As in my nursing pre reqs, I had great doctors that helped me figure out the problems I had been suffering with for years, I had time for personal reflection, I made good friends, and I learned a lot about myself. But, everyday Telluride was in my heart. So after a semester away from Telluride, I knew I had to return. I had left a place I loved, there was a guy in Telluride I loved. I can't deny that our relationship was toxic when I was in Telluride before, but I felt something in my heart urging me to return to Telluride, so in December I did. I have been able to learn the lessons of forgiveness and love through my relationship with him and now feel content in my decision moving back to Telluride. So for now, I am in Telluride. I am excited for 2015, I know it will be one for the books. 2014, was a roller coaster of love, loss, pain, sadness, and forgiveness. Forgiveness being the most important lesson, being able to allow myself to forgive has given me a chance to love again, to stand strong and to see the beauty in the world. Thank you to everyone who helped me, loved me, or was a part of my life in 2014. This was a hard year, but I made it.. Each year I get a little closer to finding my place in the world. HAYDUKE LIVES!!!!
Bring it 2015!!!

The Process

Process: a continuous series of changes and actions, to go forward, to grow, to improve, to go to the next stage, to reach a goal. That is at least what the known definitions of process are; for me, though, my process has been a little bit of all of those things. I am currently stuck in a phase of my process, a phase of unknowns, choices, and too many ideas. I moved away from Telluride, though I left my heart in the San Juan Mountains, in order to pursue nursing school, but maybe, it wasn't all just to go back to school. I have 6 years of college and I am well educated, though that means nothing because I have never been able to find a decent job using any of my current education.

I came back to Summit County, a place I spent 10 years in, a place where I am safe, well known, have tons of personal and social connections and a place where in many ways I grew up. My years in Summit County were valuable in making me the person I am today. So, I returned to Summit County because it had seemed as though I lost who I was, I allowed a guy to physically assault me, steal from me, lie to me, and hurt me, I allowed him to take the best parts of me and turn them into a ghost of what were once my best qualities. Being back in Summit County, I have regained those qualities. I have found my courage and strength; I have remembered what matters in life, who I am and what I so love. I have found peace and therapy here spending my days on the rock and working with shelter dogs. I have rediscovered that I am capable of meeting new people and developing friendships and having fun with other people. I have allowed myself to grief for the loss of my dear friend Nanuk dog, who spent most of her life here, some days I swear I will never stop hurting and grieving, but I know deep down somewhere that one day I will, that, that in itself is a process. I also know that  sometimes there are many processes happening at once and no matter how hard it is, you have to allow the process to run its course. I thought I was in the process of doing pre reqs for nursing school, but now, I am lost, now, I don't know what I want to do. The idea of being a guide in the mountains and getting more certifications in order to do that is a romantic one, it appeals to me because nothing in this world speaks more to my heart than adventure and the mountains. Nothing in this world gives me such bliss. But, nursing school, opens the door for me to travel anywhere in the world and help others, give back and save lives. What is best for me, for my life, which process do I take, where do I go from here?

Money isn't that big of a thing, but I would love it if I could be financially sound and nursing would provide me with that, but I just don't know and thought I did, I thought I wanted to be a nurse.  Maybe the real reason I returned to Summit County was to find myself again, to remember how to be happy, how to feel connected and how to feel strong again. Maybe Summit County is my process right now. Maybe, I should just let be what will be. I have embarked on many journeys in my life, each a process of its own, each scary and wonderful at the same time and in the end it all works out. So, I guess I am in the process of finding the correct process for me. If that makes any sense? I guess I am just in it until I figure it out.

I plan on returning to the beauty and quietness of Telluride next month, I know what awaits me there. I am scared and worried and everything else, but my heart is there. However, everything else seems to be in Summit County. So should I stay or should I go? Should I return to the loveliness of Telluride and face that abusive guy, face the bs I ran away from, or should I follow the other parts and stay in Summit County?

Process: drift, return, flow, turnaround, recess, retreat, march, passage, progress, method, accomplishment, movement.

Well, that is it I guess. My process is messy and at the moment has no direction, I wish life could be easier and more clear, I really need that right now!!



My process from the last year and a half in pics: