Hayduke's Honor

It has been a year since that wonderful day when I rescued my Hayduke, it has been a wild and crazy year since that day. I have always stood by the fact that Hayduke gave me the courage to love and to heal. I haven't really sat and thought about what that all actually meant until the last few days. I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life.  I have had periods of time when my depression and anxiety seem to not exist, but they really do. Then I have also had times in my life when that is my whole life, I spend days miserable, sad, and hopeless. To be honest, the majority of my days since losing Hayduke have been spent in a deep depression. There are days when I cry for hours, I miss him so much, I would give anything to kiss his nose, wrap my arms around his soft neck and tell him about my day. For some reason unknown to me, he stole my heart and losing him was one of the hardest most painful things that has ever happened in my life. I think one of the reasons it hurt so much was that he was a symbol of hope to me and all of sudden when I lost him, apart of me, of my idea of hope died to.  His death left me wondering why? Why if you love something so much and try so hard, why do they leave? I still feel him here sometimes, I feel his heart and spirit and in some ways that is the only thing that has kept me going. Depression is like being stuck alone in a dark closet, you know there is a door to a different world, but no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to find the courage to open it. It is a lonely and painful thing. It is something you try so hard to hide from others because you don't want to appear weak. It becomes a secret and then eventually it swallows you. I have spent many hours contemplating what Haydukes impact was on my life, how I heal from losing him, how I heal from other bad events in my life and how I can honor his story, how I can honor his heart. I recently met this guy, who is great beyond words. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me smile and laugh like I am little girl. He has also brought out truths about me that I have always known, but refused to explore. However, it could have come at a better point in my life. It is time for me to honor Haydukes impact and allow myself to heal and become who I have always wanted to be. It will be a process and it will take time, but it is time. I will always have depression, but I have to find a way out of that closet, a way to open that closest done and walk out no matter how painful it is. There are times in life that having a heart sucks, but in the end it also a wonderful thing. My heart opened to rescue Hayduke and even though he is gone, his impact on my life was a true gift, a story that will always remain in my heart. A story and time in my life that showed me magic. I am so humbled and grateful that he came into my life.  I owe so much to that damn horse- I can see him smiling down on me, waiting for me to honor what he was and what he has done for my life. Thank you Hayduke for what you left behind!!

The courage to heal

I have not written in a long time, mostly because I have been struggling with the decision I made to leave South America and return to the States and I have been working on putting my life back together, whatever that means. I decided to come home from South America because it simply wasn't the right time for me to be there. There is an entire list of reasons why I came home, some I will chose to freely talk about and others will remain only known to me. Among one of the biggest factors in my decision to come home was that I felt like I was giving up on a cause that I hold very dear to my heart, a cause I did not ask to be apart of, I know now that it chose me. That cause is the advocacy work with the Havasupai animals. My journey with this work has lead me into the depths of myself, it has made me cry more than I ever thought possible, it has made me smile and it has allowed me to learn so much about myself and about the wonders of love. I remember being in Tierra Del Fuego, one of the most beautiful places on earth, yet feeling extremely empty, sad and like there was something missing. I was right, there was. I had unfinished business with the Havasupai animals. It pays to listen to your heart, no matter how hard it is or what you fear will come from it. Sometimes that's all we have, is our heart. I was scared of how I would look to others coming home. I even thought of myself as a failure, but, walking for years benefits only me and my heart had other plans. Being back has been a constant roller coaster of emotions, lessons, difficulties and successes. It has been a huge wake up call to me. When I arrived in South America, I was beginning the process of living life without a sleep medication. For my entire life, I have struggled with sleep issues, anxiety and depression and most of the time the natural world will provide me with what I need in order to overcome those issues, not this time. The loss of sleep will mess anyone up and for me the battle of trying to force myself to sleep was just too much. I couldn't sleep and when I did it was for an hour or so, or in the middle of the day and that is not conducive to hiking. So, I missed my work with the Havasupai animals, my body was fighting itself and I decided to come home. I did learn through this that I have absolutely nothing to prove and that I only need to answer to myself. Another component in my decision was the fact that in many ways I was running away from an abusive relationship and from doing the work to begin the healing I was in need of. I had planned this hike long before him, before many of the issues that brought me great pain. But, there was still a strong sense of running away. I had lived my life in fear of him for many years so this trip was on some level a way to escape, little did I know that this trip would bring me right back to the place I said goodbye to. Little did I know that this trip would teach me so much in such a short time. Argentina is a beautiful country, but home for me is the Grand Canyon. I had to travel to the end of the world to figure that out and to figure out that my process of healing was only going to truly begin when I embraced what my heart felt and returned to the Grand Canyon.


The process of healing is a very complex process. I attend a women's group weekly now as I did before I left for Argentina. It is filled with other women who have endured abusive relationships and it has been a godsend to my own journey of healing. It is a place where I can go to feel understood. I know though that despite the best friendships, advice and connection that the journey of healing will be a lifelong one. Recently, one group member and I were talking about being lonely and how no matter what great progress happens in our lives, that there is a distinct feeling of loneliness in surviving and committing to ending an abusive relationship. That is definitely true, I have so many great people and experiences in my life but I also have a daily rewind of my life in which I was protecting a person who treated me like crap. I use to spend my days nervous to talk, scared to tell the truth about what was going on, scared he would get drunk and do something like strangle me again. I was always in a state of stress. After enough time it became my norm, it robbed me of who I was, of my happiness and personal strength. That relationship and that person made me into a zombie of who I wanted to be. He made me terrified to stand up for myself and his life became more important than mine. It has taken me so long to walk away from him, it has not been easy, but, I am a better person because I did. I am a happier person, I may not be at my strongest right now, but, I feel strong. For me, that is just as important as being strong. When, I think about other ways in which I am healing I so clearly see the days of Hayduke. I am humbled to have found him, to have rescued him and to have loved him. I may have helped get Hayduke out of hell, and I tried so hard to save him. It broke my heart to lose him. In the end though, I am reminded that our story was about two souls who saved one another. After he passed I went through a very dark time, I attempted suicide and spent many days in ICU, my heart just hurt so badly, his passing was sort of a last straw for me. I had been dealing with so much in my life for so long that I broke.
However, loving Hayduke did saved me, it opened my eyes to grace and magic to love and connection. It gave me the desire to want to help all the other animals and to remember to listen more than I talk. To embrace the magic of a horse's companionship and to listen to my heart, to listen to theirs. I can never repay Hayduke for what he brought to my life, the best thing I can do is live my life to its fullest and to try and help every person and animal that needs it. This sweet Hayduke will be my gift to you. Your courage and strength remains with me always sweet boy. The pain of losing him still stabs at my heart, but life is filled with pain, despite all of it, we must try to see the good and there is good, we must try to smile, to love, to kiss a horses nose at least once in your life and watch and see what good comes from it. Watch and see the amazing change it will bring to your life. We must try new things, make plans, change our minds, stand at the edge of the Grand Canyon and feel alive. We must remember what makes us each special and embrace what is in our hearts. I did not do my "big trip" in South America, that's true. I gave it up for some horses and a big hole in the earth. I gave it up for ME.  Many may say I am crazy to have done that, the Grand Canyon will always be there, etc, but for me its quite simple. My heart won, it chose horses and adventure in the Grand Canyon, it chose my own personal health and healing and who is to say that this choice won't end up being my "big trip." It is only in the confides of ones own brain and reasoning that limits and trivial successes exist. Healing takes courage, much more courage than it takes to hike in South America. For now, I am embracing my decision, though at times it is hard. I am taking care of myself, fighting for change for the animals in Supai, enjoying the Grand and open to whatever comes next. Hopefully it involves a horse :)