Being Home

I have now been home for 8 days and each day back home has been overwhelming and sad. I am reminded that I don't belong here, I hate "normal life" I feel as though each day spent out of the wild I lose a part of my soul a part of myself that I may never get back. I have always tried to find the balance between being out in the wild and being in society, but sadly, there is no balance that seems to work for me. I feel so much better far away in the wild. It is a sure thing that one gets lonely while being out in the wilderness, but I would take that any day over the hustle and bustle of the world, over the daily boring routines people allow themselves to fall in. I am not a girl who wants to live in a box, but the world onlys allows for that sort of life back at home, jobs, bills, relationships, none of that is worth it to me, I don't want any of that.
I want adventure, truth, and peace, things of which I can't find being home. I have so many plans and things I will be doing to allow myself the life I want and the simplicity that I long for, but I have to stay here, work, ski, climb and live until I can go again. I am going to thru hike the Hayduke Trail, 816 miles from Zion National Park to Arches National Park in March, next summer I will being finishing the last few hundred miles of the PCT and hiking the High Sierra Route, 195 miles.
 I am not stopping there, I want to put together a trek from Alaska to Patagonia, this is a trek I came up with over a year ago in bed one morning, while talking to my boyfriend about all the crazy adventures I had and wanted to do, he said so why don't you hike from Alaska to South America, it was sort of a joke, but it sparked an idea for me and it got me thinking. I could do it, stop in places along the way and do community service work while waiting out weather, raise some money for good causes and hike over 19,000 miles, of course this would not be a six month hike, it would take years, but it is in the making and one day it will happen. I also want to write a book, Hike Your Own Hike, about my adventures and the personal struggles of desiring such elaborate adventures. In a few years, I will start back at the Mexican Border and thru hike the PCT all over again, but for now I am stuck in a world that is not conducive to who I am, each day is a hard struggle,each day I feel as though I am wasting my life. I am living out of my car and as the winter crawls upon me, I am still content on living in my car or in a tent. I do not want the limitations that come with a lease or a full time job. I promised myself out on the PCT, that when I came home I would honor who I am and I would live the life I want, so for now here I am trapped in a world that just does not get it.

Washington

Well, I thought yesterday was really my final day on the PCT at(mile 2,223), however, this morning I woke up in Trout Lake, WA and realized that I had more inside of me and that I still wanted to give it a go, so I went back out to the PCT in the pouring rain and started hiking again. I made it four miles and then I fell down and started to cry, I cried my eyea out,it was there in the rain all alone that I realized I had to try all I could to make it to Canada, and that I was not at peace with stopping before I had tried everything. So, I made a plan, I am going to give myself until the first week of November to make it to Canada, I am going to watch the weather forecast like crazy, when there are good days I am going to hike huge miles, then on bad days I am going to go into towns, dry out, warm up, eat and reassess my plan. I know some days getting into towns will be cold and wet, but it is only temporary and I have come so far, I have to try, until I can come to peace for myself with a decision. I have learned so much during the miles on this Trail and I believe I have grown up, I have seen beauty few will ever see, met friends who will forever hold a place in my heart, I have shared so much of myself and been so lucky to share wonderful moments out here with others. I have come to realize that life is not worth anything without the people you love and I have so many great people in my life.
I don't know whether this plan of mine will work, but I am going to try and when I finally realize what to do, then I will do it. The PCT has taken me into the depths of myself, into places I never wanted to visit and never thought were there, I have been forced to remember and think about all the moments in my life, both good and bad, I have thought about all my failures, hardships, wrong doings,mistakes, regrets and successes in my life and through all of the time spent in my own head, thinking, wondering and praying I have become a totally different person. I dont think I know just how different I am from this journey yet.

Back in Trout Lake, WA, tomorow is suppose to be good, so I will head back out in the morning and see how far I can get..

Washington, 500 miles to go!!

The last month has been quite the challenge for me. I have been struggling with foot pain everyday and the miles have seemed to take forever.I have had to push myself every mile to keep going because the pain is so bad, even with 1,600 mgs of advil, my feet hurt,days have been long and become more difficult as they go by. Each day is hard, there is never an easy day out here. I have spent the last couple weeks alone, hiking alone, and camping alone through volcanic areas, forests, ridges, passes, lakes and mountains of Oregon. I have had so much time inside of my own head and I have come to feel calm and peaceful alone. There are times when the world goes to sleep and I am lying there all alone and I feel scared, but truly there is nothing to fear, the wild is a wonderful place to be and it is filled with magic. I have become a stronger person for the time I have spent all alone on the PCT and I will continue to welcome more time alone.
 I am now right near the Bridge of the Gods at the end of Oregon, and have only Washington to hike, 500 miles to the end of the PCT. I have come so far and seen so much beauty and I have experienced more during the last five months than I have in probably my whole life. The lessons I have learned will become a part of me when I go home, and I know I will summon them often to help me with life when I am off the Trail. The forests in Oregon are like jungles, covered in green moss, trees so high that they seem to never end, and plants of all kinds. I have spent hours listening to the sounds of birds and walking through lush green forests, walking through rain and trying to just keep myself heading north. Yesterday, I hiked 31 miles to finish out Oregon, it was raining for all of the 12 hours. I hate rain. However, yesterday it did not seem so bad to me. I started hiking at noon and finished at 10 pm.

I felt so alive hiking yesterday, even in pain, I felt strong. The forests yesterday were amazing, waterfalls all around me, creeks, birds, and at one point I came around a corner and there in the pouring rain stood an elk just hanging out eatting, for a moment watching him eat, and standing there alone in the rain, I felt so content, so at peace, and I rememered there that those are the moments that make it all worth while. I felt like the Trail showed me some grace yesterday and I was sure in need of it. My last 7 miles yesterday were at night, it was so hard to navigate through the dark and the rain, my headlamp helped but the rain distorts all light and it was surely a challenge to hike down wet rocks and through pouring rain, but walking into Cascade Locks last night and seeing the Bridge of the Gods, knowing I was only 500 miles to Canada, made me feel so wonderful, there are no words to describe how I felt standing in the dark looking at that bridge last night. It was a powerful feeling and I know I can make it to Canada. One mile at a time, in the rain, and the cold, it is just 20 more days and after all I have been through I can't quit now. So at the end of the month I will be in Canada and my journey will come to an end!!!