Hayduke's Honor

It has been a year since that wonderful day when I rescued my Hayduke, it has been a wild and crazy year since that day. I have always stood by the fact that Hayduke gave me the courage to love and to heal. I haven't really sat and thought about what that all actually meant until the last few days. I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life.  I have had periods of time when my depression and anxiety seem to not exist, but they really do. Then I have also had times in my life when that is my whole life, I spend days miserable, sad, and hopeless. To be honest, the majority of my days since losing Hayduke have been spent in a deep depression. There are days when I cry for hours, I miss him so much, I would give anything to kiss his nose, wrap my arms around his soft neck and tell him about my day. For some reason unknown to me, he stole my heart and losing him was one of the hardest most painful things that has ever happened in my life. I think one of the reasons it hurt so much was that he was a symbol of hope to me and all of sudden when I lost him, apart of me, of my idea of hope died to.  His death left me wondering why? Why if you love something so much and try so hard, why do they leave? I still feel him here sometimes, I feel his heart and spirit and in some ways that is the only thing that has kept me going. Depression is like being stuck alone in a dark closet, you know there is a door to a different world, but no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to find the courage to open it. It is a lonely and painful thing. It is something you try so hard to hide from others because you don't want to appear weak. It becomes a secret and then eventually it swallows you. I have spent many hours contemplating what Haydukes impact was on my life, how I heal from losing him, how I heal from other bad events in my life and how I can honor his story, how I can honor his heart. I recently met this guy, who is great beyond words. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me smile and laugh like I am little girl. He has also brought out truths about me that I have always known, but refused to explore. However, it could have come at a better point in my life. It is time for me to honor Haydukes impact and allow myself to heal and become who I have always wanted to be. It will be a process and it will take time, but it is time. I will always have depression, but I have to find a way out of that closet, a way to open that closest done and walk out no matter how painful it is. There are times in life that having a heart sucks, but in the end it also a wonderful thing. My heart opened to rescue Hayduke and even though he is gone, his impact on my life was a true gift, a story that will always remain in my heart. A story and time in my life that showed me magic. I am so humbled and grateful that he came into my life.  I owe so much to that damn horse- I can see him smiling down on me, waiting for me to honor what he was and what he has done for my life. Thank you Hayduke for what you left behind!!