Where have all the years gone!!

About two weeks ago, while I was out climbing, Nanuk was injured! When it happened, I felt as though my world was crashing down, I rushed her to the hospital, still wearing my harness, unable to stop my tears. It was determined that she had torn ligament in her leg and had a possible fracture, this does not sound like a very bad injury, but to an 11 year dog, this is a horrible injury. Nanuk's life was based on tagging along with me while I climbed, hiked, backpacked, skied, bagged peaks; she knows no other life, than that of adventure, long days outside and being free to roam, sniff, roll around, run and explore. Upon returning for a recheck to the Vet on Saturday it was found through another series of X-rays that she had fractured her Ulna(wrist) and that the tear in her Carpus needed surgery. The past two weeks have been extremely difficult and sad for me. I have had to carry her down the stairs so she can go to the bathroom, on some days I have had to hold her while she goes to the bathroom, I have listened to cries of pain and I have watched as the dog that once ran free and rolled in the snow and explored the woods, now sits sadly and stares off in the distance. I have realized that the day she was injured was probably my last day outside playing with her, that all of the long days spent together exploring the mountains have come to an end. My days with her now involve constant assistance with basic things, pain med adminstration, sitting outside with her and petting her, while she stares off and wonders why she can't run and play in the snow. My heart aches in the worst way! It is awful, it is so awful, that some nights, most nights, I don't sleep. Where have all those years gone? Where is the dog that once stood on top of 14,000 foot peaks with me and thru hiked the Colorado Trail?

Nanuk used to get so damn excited in the morning or when I would put a backpack on, she would bark and run around and bite my pants, wag her tail and run for the door, it used to annoy me, because she was quite loud and relentless and I could never finish packing up, today, I would give anything in the world to see her behave that way again. I have been told that she is probably not in pain now,  which is encouraging, she is in a fiberglass cast and will be for 6-8 weeks! The next move is up to me, do I put her through surgery, that I can't afford, a surgery that could kill her because anesthesia is a risk, and recovery is long and hard! Do I sell my car, return my ski pass, sell my gear, or find the money in a loan for her surgery? Do I give her a custom splint, that will keep her leg stable, but allow for chronic pain and the chance that even then she wont run around or chase a ball? Or do, I say goodbye and put her down?? I hate playing God, I hate decisions when each choice sucks!

I can't seem to come to a decision, I have done a little research about my options and then when I sit and think, I see her, and I am flooded with tears! I am sadden that her life has come to this, I regret that I was not the perfect mother to her everyday, that some days I ignored her, or I was too busy, or I yelled at her, or I was inpatient with her or irritated with her. I regret all the time I spent away from her, fulfilling my own silly goals! I so miss the days when she was stronger and able to join me on my adventures. I feel like I have already lost her, I feel sick to my stomach and my heart is broken. What do I do? I am glad she is not in pain, at least thats what the Vet says, and I hope that is correct! I sit with her outside often these days, I watch her watch the world around her, I pet her, kiss her, watch her struggle to get up and greet the dogs she once played with. To some people she is just a dog, to me, she is my world, she is best friend, my roommate, my protector, my hiking buddy, my mirror, my saving grace! To me, she is everything and the thought of coming home to an empty home, kills me.

I am not sure where this path will take me, or where it will take her, but wherever we end up, I loved her everyday, I am so thankful for her, for all the lessons she has taught me, for her love,friendship and loyalty, for the chance to call her my dog. I am so humbled by her and how big her heart is. When she was lying on the floor at the Vet the day she was injured, she managed to pick her head up and kiss me and wag her tail, despite the fact she was in pain and high from sedation. She is an extrodinary dog!!
Without her my life will be less special who will watch over me, who will climb off summits just to bring a stick back to me, who will make me laugh, or cuddle with me, or listen to me, who will give me something to wake up for and to love? Who will be there waiting for me at the end of the day?

I know in my heart that her life is coming to an end, whether it is from this injury or not! I know it because I see it in her eyes. I see only pieces of what she once was and I know that soon I will say goodbye to her. I trust that the universe will help me make the right choice here. I pray she knows how much I love her, and I pray she feels like she had a great life. This is the worst part of having and loving a dog, watching them age, watching them slow down and not being able to fix it. If I can't manage her pain, I will do the right thing and say goodbye. I wish so much that she had never gotten hurt, I feel guilty because I am the one who brought her along.

I guess all I can do for now, is love her, spend time with her, remember all she brought to my life and wait and see what will be!! As much as I hate that, thats truly all I can do!!

365 days ago!!

One year ago from today, I was completing my journey on the Pacific Crest Trail(PCT). I remember that day very well as though it happened yesterday, it was warm, sunny, perfect, the scent of fall lingered in the air and my heart was aching. I remember how I wished the final miles could go on forever. I was finishing a journey that had been the greatest most amazing experience of my life. I remember reaching Monument 78, the Canadian/US border, I remember how I was overwhelmed in a way I had never been before, how time felt as though it stood still and how I could not figure out how to feel, what to say, or what to think. When I think about September 27, 2012, it still brings me to tears. It makes me feel sad because I miss it, because I miss the people I met, I miss the long days spent outside and the feeling within myself of working towards a goal and being on an grand adventure. Though sometimes now I admit,  I do think to myself, why would anyone hike 2,660 miles, once, let alone twice?? I began the PCT with an entire book of questions and I was sure that after thru hiking the PCT that something profound would occur within myself or my life.

Reaching Monument 78, was not a profound moment, it was bitter sweet, bitter mostly, maybe a better word is sad, it was sad, it was sad to have this dream, this journey come to an end, there was no more Trail, no more resupply towns, the magic seemed as though it just stopped, right there on the border, it stopped and all of a sudden the reality of "normal life" forced itself into my head. Ugh, normal life!! I had been waiting for this so called profound thing to happen and all that there was there, was a wooden monument :( Little did I know that in the coming months(during the past 365 days) thats when the profound changes would occur deep within myself. Little did I realize that the PCT did change me, there was something profound out of all of those miles. My time along the PCT continues to humble me, it continues to remind me of love, of beauty, of peace, of simplicity and of a life that I dearly love, for there is no better or richer life than that spent out of a backpack in the mountains.

People always asked me, don't you miss life back at home,  you are really hiking for 5 months, don't you miss this or that? I missed my dog, my family and my friends, sometimes I missed silly things like a bubble bath or music, or books, but out of all of the things I missed out there, the one thing that could make my day better was always the sound of my parents voice. I am old, but I tell ya, there was nothing as wonderful out there as the sound of my parents voice. I am so thankful to have my parents, to have had their support and love along the miles of the PCT! My mom always bitched about all the phone calls where she had to do"Trail Therapy." I am sure many phones calls were rough for them, I had difficult days out there, days of being cold, wet, hungry, lonely, tired, or weak and some days I wanted to quit and for some reason, I never did. So, of course I miss some things, mostly people or my dog. The countless conveniences of everyday life and so on, I don't much miss. I still think it is kinda of funny when someone says to me, "hey there is filtered water in the fridge." if they only knew what some of my water sources looked like, damn, dead mice, cow pies, horse poop, oh my!!

I have learned to become more simple in my own life, I have learned to slow down, to never give up, to dream big, then bigger, to value my time with the ones I love and to fully embrace the great outdoors, to allow the land and the wild to be my greatest teachers, to not become distracted with the unnecessary things in life, I have learned that a day spent outside is always grand and never wasted. But, above all that I have come to learn since my time out on the PCT, I have learned that I am capable of anything I put my mind to, I know people have told me that since I was little, but now I truly believe it!!
Long gone are my days on the PCT, but without the PCT, I would have never dared to dream what I am now.

Thank you to the Sauffleys, who opened their home and hearts to me as well as so many other hikers, thank you for having that piano in your home and allowing me to play it, thank you for all of the love. Thank you to the Andersons for all of your generosity, your wonderful backyard and all of the laughs. Thank you to the Dinsmores, who had enough wisdom to help me make the hard, but smart decision to stop hiking back in 2011, and thank you for opening your hearts and home to me once again in 2012. Thank you to Tom in Kennedy Meadows for lending me a bear canister for the Sierras and for all of the kindness and pancakes. Thank you to Shrek for driving me to get much needed socks. Thank you to Ziggy and the Bear for driving me to Palm Springs so I could fly home and attend my Grandmothers funeral. Thank you to Sugar Momma for that cookie at Deep Creek in 2011 and for your sweet personality and all of your love. Thank you to Larry and Lucy Mann, for being so wonderful  to me and for taking me in back in 2011, seeing you in Crater Lake last year, made my day! Thank you to Jim and Dona Miller for your hospitality, you made the final part of the PCT easier for me. God bless all of you!!

 Thank you to Cookie, Nino, Highlife, Zumi, the Swisters, White Bear, Dyno, Sunset, Tortoise, Sonjay, Tibetan, Shawn,  and many many others, thank you thank, guys for all of the wisdom, tears, laughter, encouragement, love, grace and friendship.

Lastly, thank you to my mom and dad for everything, there are no words to describe how much I love you and how grateful I am to you both.  Thank you mom and dad for all the countless phones calls of"Trail Therapy," for the cookies you sent me and for encouraging me to continue, when I wanted to quit. 

Thank you to everyone for being such a wonderful vital part of my thru hikes on the PCT!!

My Entry in the Register at the Canadian Border!!

The Mountains Are Calling!!

What the hell am I so scared of??

It has been a long time since I took some time to write, to reflect, to use my own writing as a personal tool to help me propel in life during difficult times. I have been scared, scared to sit and write, scared to own the words that would come out of me and afraid that I would not be able to make sense of them. I am a girl of many words, huge dreams and as many of you know, a girl with the desire to embark on great adventures.  I have put my next dream and goal of trekking from the tip of Northern Alaska all the way to the Southern most tip of Argentina on the back burner during the last few months, trying to somehow convince myself that it is crazy, inconceivable and impossible, maybe in an attempt to rid myself of this conflict I often find myself in-  what is the balance between "normal life" and my desires for grand adventure. I have failed to talk myself out of it, of course I realize that this trip could cost me my life, I could be kidnapped, eaten my a polar bear, starve to death, fall off a cliff, get lost, the list goes on and on. Or, I could attempt it, go for it full heartedly, see what happens, embark on a journey that will truly be the journey of a lifetime. I am not interested in being scared anymore, it gets me nowhere and clouds my head with doubt and in the end, I always follow the desire to go, to hike, to see the world by means of my own two feet!

It seems as though being scared as been a theme in my life recently, I have been scared to let old places go, to put myself out there, to climb harder, to hike further, to summit a peak, to leave my dog alone, to stand up for myself, to let old friends go, to allow my heart to be open, to meet new friends. I have been scared to live, and for me, the girl who picks up and hikes across the country alone, that is very bad thing. Being scared will not get me anywhere, I can't fight who I am. I fight myself everyday, attempting to figure myself out, chose a path, get a career or not? I can't seem to figure out who I am completely and what makes me happy. I do know this, if nothing else; I love the feeling of being out in the wild, of living out of pack, of spending my days and nights outside. I love the simple way of life it allows for and the truth is one needs nothing more than one can carry in their backpack.

I have been in this slump for awhile, trying so hard to fight it, to make myself happier or better and I have surrendered to the fact that sometimes you have to just stay where you are inside yourself, even if it sucks, even if its hard. I can't explain how I feel or why I feel the way I do, I just know I don't feel strong and happy these days. I miss the Trail, I miss that life and though my next big trek is a gigantic undertaking, I need to go, I need to find a way to make this trek happen!

A wise man once told me, "its risky out there, but go anyway, because life is short and there is nothing good on TV."

I am making it my life's work to get this trek sponsored and to make it a reality, because if I don't, my only excuse will be that I was just too scared!!

Nanuk, you are the best dog in the world!!!

Nanuk and I have been staying in Silverton at the hostel in town for the last few days, it has been both fun and difficult, fun because I get to hangout with my best friend, Nanuk all day and go explore the San Juans, but difficult because places like Silverton run on a very different pace than most other places in the world, it is slow and I am bored because I am not used to the slow quiet pace that echoes here, I became used to occupying my mind from boredom during my thru hikes on the Pacific Crest Trail, after all hiking over 2,670 miles forces you to be in your own head and to learn to deal with mental boredom, but I am still not very good at it :)

Silverton is an old mining town, tucked away from pretty much everywhere, it is a bit over an hour to Durango, Ouray is over red pass an hour away and Telluride is 2 hours away! I fell in love with Silverton back in 2008, during my thru hike on the Colorado Trail, it is an attractive place to me because of the simple, quiet and slow lifestyle here. I have had to come to terms with the fact that Nanuk is aging during the last week, she can no longer come along on great adventures, long hikes, big climbs or hard days, she sleeps almost all day, unless I wake her up and take her outside, she snores like crazy, she sits more often and lies down during walks, she limps when she walks, she runs into things, she gets confused sometimes and her vision is now fading. I have been in denial about this for some time now, thinking I could keep bringing her on grand adventures and that she would be okay, because she has always followed me, she has climbed over 200 peaks with me, she has hiked over 3000 miles with me and now, she is a different dog, in a different time and it saddens me. For those who know me, they know how I can't sit still, how I define myself by the grand adventures and now to have my adventure partner growing old and slowing down it is very difficult.

We have been going on shorter hikes, day climbing trips and exploring old ghost mining towns near Silverton, like Eureka. Outside of Silverton,there are tons of mining ruins,old cabins, and memories of life that once occupied the mountains here. I wonder how life was here 100 years ago? I wonder what those people could have taught me and what their stories were, who they were. I can only imagine how amazing the mountains were back then, how untouched they were and what it must have looked like. I wonder what life was like back then? It must have been much harder than life today! Nanuk and I went up to Stony Pass today, up to the Colorado Trail, we hiked around, she played in the creek and rolled in everything she could, we walked around town and we drove to Eureka and hung out in the ghost town for a bit. I feel like I am struggling to keep going, I hate the fact that I have no big hike or adventure, it is hard for me and even harder to explain the emptiness I have. However, this summer was always going to be for Nanuk and I. It was going to be a summer at a slower pace, with no goals other than to enjoy eachothers company and to spend as much time as we could together in the mountains. I love Nanuk with all of my heart, she has been my best friend since she was 8 weeks old, I have shared my life with her, she has followed me on all of my grand trips, she has nuzzled me when I have been sad, she has been a mirror for me- allowing and helping me grow and better myself, she has been there for me during everything and my love for her is endless.

I am conflicted though, it is beyond hard for me to slow down, to put off things I want to do, to hang with her at her speed. It is a challenge for me, but maybe it is a good thing to slow down, to veg out and to see life in a different light? I remember the night I first held her, and I have never stop loving her, I have spent a lot of time away from her, I have been selfish sometimes and refused to play with her because life has busy or whatnot, I have yelled at her for doing bad things, but she still loves me and she has not run away :) I have done my best for her and I will until her final day, I know in my heart that I am now writing her final chapter of her life with her, that I will be the one who writes the end of her story, as much as it is bittersweet and as much as it is difficult for me to slow down, maybe this is her greatest lesson for me.

Vacilando

"Vacilando," is Spanish for the act of wandering when the experience of travel is more important than reaching the specific destination.

In all my travels, hikes, and adventures I have always had a set goal or a specific destination, something in some way that has put pressure on me to get to a certain place or accomplish a set goal, and if I did not do that then in my eyes I would have failed. I have never set out in the wild, short of day climbing and hiking trips, and let the wind just take me, let my plans and goals vanish. I have always been a prisoner to a goal or a destination, like getting to Canada on the PCT, it did not matter that in 2011, I hiked over 2,300 miles; I did not get to Canada, so I failed. And in 2012, I set out to thru hiked the PCT, starting at the Mexican border again and though I made it to Canada, most days were filled with just trying to reach Canada. Sadly, I have to admit, this pressure did have a negative toll on my days along the PCT, I was after the destination and not so much the journey.
A wise guy who has been helping me with my trek from Artic, Alaska to Terra de Fuego, Argetina, emailed me a few days ago after I emailed him asking for help on planning certain routes for this trip, he told me to let the wind take me, embrace total freedom and be a "vacilando." Of course in some places such as Alaska, the Yukon and the Andes I do need a set route, but he made me realize that for a big chunk of this muitlple year trek, I should throw out specific destinations and goals and just go with it. This is a frightening idea for me, I fear a million things could go wrong if I don't have every inch of the route planned, I mean I am walking over 20,000 miles, don't I need everything planned and figured out? Or can that be a part of the journey, part of the beauty that will encompass this trek?

This summer I will do just that, I will go out into the wild and wander with no destination or goal, soley just for the experience and beauty, when I want to stop or camp, I will, I will not push miles and miles like I have every summer for the past years. I will soak up the sun, ski couloirs, enjoy long warm days with Nanuk, my best friend, I will have no goal this entire summer other than to climb and backpack as much as possible, to enjoy every day I spend outside to listen more, to watch more and to write more. I will enjoy the experience of the moutains and let go of plans, destinations or expectations.

For now, because I am not leaving in April for a big hike, I will enjoy summer in a very different way. It does feel strange, mostly sad that I have no multi 1000 mile trek planned, but my time will come again soon. Who knows this could be the best summer of all??

PCT 2012 Story, Continued!!

I reached Timberline Lodge about 11 am, it was a cloudy early morning, mist hung around, but thankfully it did not rain. I was beyond tired. The last miles to Timberline, are grueling to say the least. The last half mile is all sand and within less than a mile you gain nearly 900 feet. Although, the buffet there is worth all the work. I made the buffet in time :) I ate so much, I remember how satisfied I was to get there, to be almost done with Oregon, again. I was worried about Washington, what if the weather turned, I don't want to be wet and cold for a month, and I can't fail again, I have to make it to Canada this year, that daily pressure over months really began to take a toll on me, I bet myself up everyday about not making it last year and thoughts of failing again flooded my head. Completing a true thru hike on the PCT became the only thing that mattered to me and I was going to make it.  I left Timberline Lodge with Nino, a guy from Japan, we had a lot of fun together, although we barely understood one another, he was a great hiking buddy for me. I reached Cascade Lock the next afternoon, thats the end of Oregon. In the middle of Cascade Locks stands the bridge of gods, the bridge that leads to my final state of my journey, WASHINGTON!! I have had always had to pay more attention to my body than most do, because I have Ulcerative Colitis and Pernicious Anemia auto immune diseases, which often make me weak, sick and tired, and I have days where I have to just realize that my body is different and sometimes that is hard for me, hard for me to slow down and except my body has a lot fighting against itself without hiking 1000s of miles and even more when I am out on my grand adventures. I stayed in Cascade Locks for three days, mainly because I was tired and weak and needed rest before heading in to washington, but maybe too because I was nervous about finishing and so it was hard to go, to once again set out to conquer washington and get to Canada. I was scared I would fail and that was hard to deal with, hard to find a place for all of my worries and feelings and just go, hike and finish this journey that had haunted me. I finally did it, I packed up, sent all my washington resupply boxes and walked across the bridge of the gods :) it was a huge moment for me. After you cross the bridge, you head up into the woods and there is a small wooden sign, displaying 508 miles to Canada!! Washington felt like a dream to me, it was by far the best of the trip, each town I reached in Washington, I would say to myself, don't get too excited, still so far to go. I felt strong and hopefully but nervous still that at any moment things would change, I would stop or that this perfect weather would move away exposing me to freezing rain and cold days. I had days of rain believe me, but it was earlier this year than last, it was not too bad. There was a few nights when I sat in my tent and cried, colder than hell, miserable, but God showed me grace, in the rain, sleet and cold, I kept going north. Each day I became hungrier, more tired, more homesick, like I had never spent time out in the wild, like I was fighting to stay alive. I was exhausted more than ever before now, and washington has tons of huge climbs and its not the place for the weak and tired. The Cascades are perfect, so grand. I am in love with those mountains and even at my worst, I found peace and strength in the beauty, it inspired me. I remember getting to Stehekin, the final resupply point of the PCT, 89 miles from Canada!! It was crazy, I still can't put into words how it felt. I had been hiking through thick smoke for miles and miles by the time I got there and my body was almost done. Again, I found it hard to leave Stehekin, probably because I knew I was going to get to Canada and then it was over :( that is a very difficult thing to come to terms with, in some ways I was glad it was going to end, in others I was heart broken that my days spent out there were coming to an end. I left Stehekin alone, bound for Canada and spent the final 3 days alone. On the morning of Canada, I ran into two guys I had been hiking with for a while and hiked with them for a bit. The night before had been sleepless, I could not sleep knowing I was only 14 miles from Canada :) On September 27th, 2012 I made it to Canada. There are no profound statements for this moment, I am unable to explain what happened at that moment within myself and I am still learning what it all meant. It was the most overwhelming moment of my life. After 5000 miles, I had made it to Canada. It was a day I will never forget. Today when I remember that day, it makes me tear up. Now that my PCT adventure was over, what was next? Who was I? Did I belong where I lived or did the miles I spent along the PCT completely change me? Did I believe in everything I had back in April? All those and hundreds of other questions quickly filled my head and despite how hard it was go fly home to Colorado, I went back to Colorado, confused, sad, lost, happy, proud and scared. I had no idea who I was and I had set out hoping to figure things out, all I figured out was that I had nothing figured out. My life in the wild ended and I had to pick up my "normal" life and start over.

Alaska to Patagonia: May 2014

I am leaving for this journey in May of 2014. I will start in Barrow, Alaska, make my way southeast down into the Yukon.  I will trek from the Yukon into British Columbia, where I will pick up the Great Divide Trail, that leads me to Glacier National Park. In Glacier, I will start my thru hike on the Continental Divide Trail south through the United States. At the southern terminus of the CDT, on the New Mexico/Mexico border, I will pick up a bike, and bike the entire length of the Pan America Highway into Guatemala. Once in Central America, I will trek from Guatemala to Panama. Still working on what will happen from Panama into and around Columbia. There is so much danger in some of these areas and I need to figure out how to trek around potentially dangerous territory. I might  kayak around Columbia into Ecuador. I am not sure yet. I would like to spend as much time on foot and climbing through the Andes once in South America, not just backpacking, but climbing peaks and enjoying that mountain range, after all it is one of the most amazing mountain ranges in the world. If I leave in 2014, I would be in Chile, hopefully within 3 and a half years. My great buddy from the my PCT thru hike will be joining me for this journey. 

I would like to do community outreach in places along the way, presenting about CASA and spreading their mission in places that have never heard of such an idea or organization. This will be the bulk of my hike and the reason for this western hemisphere trip. I believe I should give back, help others and make a difference. I will hopefully help start CASA programs in places that lack such programs, spread awareness about CASA and help build healthier and more aware communities. It is just in the beginning works of planning, but it is going to happen, I am going to trek from Alaska to Patagonia.