I have failed to write since the new year, maybe it is because my life has seemed to be one challenge, one surprise and one puzzle after another. I feel like I have been on the constant move in my life, sometimes moving in positive directions and at other times moving in bad directions. Back in November after neurosurgery on my cervical spine I suffered a minor stroke and I was told by my physical therapists and occupational therapists that my active lifestyle was going to limited and was going to have to be changed. The first time I went rock climbing after the neurosurgery I could definitely feel the loss of strength on my right side, but, that only made me want to climb harder and more often , and today, 6.5 months later, I am climbing almost everyday, climbing hard, and my left side has become my dominant side. I have learned to deal with my increased clumsy gait and have started to just except that my memory isn't the best anymore, but, I am alive and in another 6.5 months, I will be heading out to hike from Argentina to Alaska something I have dreamt of for years. I have struggled within myself to except myself for who I am, for the obstacles I have overcome and for the changes that surgery has brought in my life. In addition to neurosurgery I have undergone vocal chord and heart surgery.
Surgery stresses the body and the mind and yes, I have had to silently deal with all of these stressors. I have also been able to look back on my life before all of the surgeries and after all of my thoughts settle, I am left feeling lucky and optimistic that life from here will just continue to be a grand adventure. I have learned so much from my patients at the hospital, they have taught me about love, compassion, courage and in many many ways made me a much better human. I have been guiding again in the Grand Canyon this season and it also brings me so much joy, it is a very rewarding thing to be apart of another person's adventure. So many great people have been apart of mine and to be able to be apart of so many other people's I am extremely humbled. I have developed some amazing friendships with people I hold dear to my heart. My life for the first time is starting to feel like its coming together. And then, my thoughts are redirected to my upcoming journey, a trip that will take me away from all of this and throw me into a 5 year life that is unknown and then I second guess myself, should I just stay in Flagstaff, or should I just get on that plane in November? It is by far my greatest struggle these days. Is n't that who I am, a great adventurer? A wanderer? A dreamer? Not only will I leave my life in Flagstaff for this journey, but I will say goodbye to my family- people that I love so very much and my heart does break that I will be leaving them as well. But, when I sit and think about selling everything I own, getting on a plane and hiking for 5 years, I get a smile that seems to inspire me, I feel a sense of pure freedom and adventure and for me that is what I want my life to be. I can't deny the pain of leaving and saying goodbye to all of those I love, but, if i don't go then I will forever feel like there is a hole, a dream that I was too scared to go for and I know despite anything else that I couldn't live with that. So for now, until my plane leaves the US I will be climbing, hiking in the Grand Canyon, writing, planning my journey, and trying to embrace the time I have with everyone in my life right now. So here is to adventure, family, friends, and big dreams :)
No comments:
Post a Comment