Nanuk, you are the best dog in the world!!!

Nanuk and I have been staying in Silverton at the hostel in town for the last few days, it has been both fun and difficult, fun because I get to hangout with my best friend, Nanuk all day and go explore the San Juans, but difficult because places like Silverton run on a very different pace than most other places in the world, it is slow and I am bored because I am not used to the slow quiet pace that echoes here, I became used to occupying my mind from boredom during my thru hikes on the Pacific Crest Trail, after all hiking over 2,670 miles forces you to be in your own head and to learn to deal with mental boredom, but I am still not very good at it :)

Silverton is an old mining town, tucked away from pretty much everywhere, it is a bit over an hour to Durango, Ouray is over red pass an hour away and Telluride is 2 hours away! I fell in love with Silverton back in 2008, during my thru hike on the Colorado Trail, it is an attractive place to me because of the simple, quiet and slow lifestyle here. I have had to come to terms with the fact that Nanuk is aging during the last week, she can no longer come along on great adventures, long hikes, big climbs or hard days, she sleeps almost all day, unless I wake her up and take her outside, she snores like crazy, she sits more often and lies down during walks, she limps when she walks, she runs into things, she gets confused sometimes and her vision is now fading. I have been in denial about this for some time now, thinking I could keep bringing her on grand adventures and that she would be okay, because she has always followed me, she has climbed over 200 peaks with me, she has hiked over 3000 miles with me and now, she is a different dog, in a different time and it saddens me. For those who know me, they know how I can't sit still, how I define myself by the grand adventures and now to have my adventure partner growing old and slowing down it is very difficult.

We have been going on shorter hikes, day climbing trips and exploring old ghost mining towns near Silverton, like Eureka. Outside of Silverton,there are tons of mining ruins,old cabins, and memories of life that once occupied the mountains here. I wonder how life was here 100 years ago? I wonder what those people could have taught me and what their stories were, who they were. I can only imagine how amazing the mountains were back then, how untouched they were and what it must have looked like. I wonder what life was like back then? It must have been much harder than life today! Nanuk and I went up to Stony Pass today, up to the Colorado Trail, we hiked around, she played in the creek and rolled in everything she could, we walked around town and we drove to Eureka and hung out in the ghost town for a bit. I feel like I am struggling to keep going, I hate the fact that I have no big hike or adventure, it is hard for me and even harder to explain the emptiness I have. However, this summer was always going to be for Nanuk and I. It was going to be a summer at a slower pace, with no goals other than to enjoy eachothers company and to spend as much time as we could together in the mountains. I love Nanuk with all of my heart, she has been my best friend since she was 8 weeks old, I have shared my life with her, she has followed me on all of my grand trips, she has nuzzled me when I have been sad, she has been a mirror for me- allowing and helping me grow and better myself, she has been there for me during everything and my love for her is endless.

I am conflicted though, it is beyond hard for me to slow down, to put off things I want to do, to hang with her at her speed. It is a challenge for me, but maybe it is a good thing to slow down, to veg out and to see life in a different light? I remember the night I first held her, and I have never stop loving her, I have spent a lot of time away from her, I have been selfish sometimes and refused to play with her because life has busy or whatnot, I have yelled at her for doing bad things, but she still loves me and she has not run away :) I have done my best for her and I will until her final day, I know in my heart that I am now writing her final chapter of her life with her, that I will be the one who writes the end of her story, as much as it is bittersweet and as much as it is difficult for me to slow down, maybe this is her greatest lesson for me.

Vacilando

"Vacilando," is Spanish for the act of wandering when the experience of travel is more important than reaching the specific destination.

In all my travels, hikes, and adventures I have always had a set goal or a specific destination, something in some way that has put pressure on me to get to a certain place or accomplish a set goal, and if I did not do that then in my eyes I would have failed. I have never set out in the wild, short of day climbing and hiking trips, and let the wind just take me, let my plans and goals vanish. I have always been a prisoner to a goal or a destination, like getting to Canada on the PCT, it did not matter that in 2011, I hiked over 2,300 miles; I did not get to Canada, so I failed. And in 2012, I set out to thru hiked the PCT, starting at the Mexican border again and though I made it to Canada, most days were filled with just trying to reach Canada. Sadly, I have to admit, this pressure did have a negative toll on my days along the PCT, I was after the destination and not so much the journey.
A wise guy who has been helping me with my trek from Artic, Alaska to Terra de Fuego, Argetina, emailed me a few days ago after I emailed him asking for help on planning certain routes for this trip, he told me to let the wind take me, embrace total freedom and be a "vacilando." Of course in some places such as Alaska, the Yukon and the Andes I do need a set route, but he made me realize that for a big chunk of this muitlple year trek, I should throw out specific destinations and goals and just go with it. This is a frightening idea for me, I fear a million things could go wrong if I don't have every inch of the route planned, I mean I am walking over 20,000 miles, don't I need everything planned and figured out? Or can that be a part of the journey, part of the beauty that will encompass this trek?

This summer I will do just that, I will go out into the wild and wander with no destination or goal, soley just for the experience and beauty, when I want to stop or camp, I will, I will not push miles and miles like I have every summer for the past years. I will soak up the sun, ski couloirs, enjoy long warm days with Nanuk, my best friend, I will have no goal this entire summer other than to climb and backpack as much as possible, to enjoy every day I spend outside to listen more, to watch more and to write more. I will enjoy the experience of the moutains and let go of plans, destinations or expectations.

For now, because I am not leaving in April for a big hike, I will enjoy summer in a very different way. It does feel strange, mostly sad that I have no multi 1000 mile trek planned, but my time will come again soon. Who knows this could be the best summer of all??

PCT 2012 Story, Continued!!

I reached Timberline Lodge about 11 am, it was a cloudy early morning, mist hung around, but thankfully it did not rain. I was beyond tired. The last miles to Timberline, are grueling to say the least. The last half mile is all sand and within less than a mile you gain nearly 900 feet. Although, the buffet there is worth all the work. I made the buffet in time :) I ate so much, I remember how satisfied I was to get there, to be almost done with Oregon, again. I was worried about Washington, what if the weather turned, I don't want to be wet and cold for a month, and I can't fail again, I have to make it to Canada this year, that daily pressure over months really began to take a toll on me, I bet myself up everyday about not making it last year and thoughts of failing again flooded my head. Completing a true thru hike on the PCT became the only thing that mattered to me and I was going to make it.  I left Timberline Lodge with Nino, a guy from Japan, we had a lot of fun together, although we barely understood one another, he was a great hiking buddy for me. I reached Cascade Lock the next afternoon, thats the end of Oregon. In the middle of Cascade Locks stands the bridge of gods, the bridge that leads to my final state of my journey, WASHINGTON!! I have had always had to pay more attention to my body than most do, because I have Ulcerative Colitis and Pernicious Anemia auto immune diseases, which often make me weak, sick and tired, and I have days where I have to just realize that my body is different and sometimes that is hard for me, hard for me to slow down and except my body has a lot fighting against itself without hiking 1000s of miles and even more when I am out on my grand adventures. I stayed in Cascade Locks for three days, mainly because I was tired and weak and needed rest before heading in to washington, but maybe too because I was nervous about finishing and so it was hard to go, to once again set out to conquer washington and get to Canada. I was scared I would fail and that was hard to deal with, hard to find a place for all of my worries and feelings and just go, hike and finish this journey that had haunted me. I finally did it, I packed up, sent all my washington resupply boxes and walked across the bridge of the gods :) it was a huge moment for me. After you cross the bridge, you head up into the woods and there is a small wooden sign, displaying 508 miles to Canada!! Washington felt like a dream to me, it was by far the best of the trip, each town I reached in Washington, I would say to myself, don't get too excited, still so far to go. I felt strong and hopefully but nervous still that at any moment things would change, I would stop or that this perfect weather would move away exposing me to freezing rain and cold days. I had days of rain believe me, but it was earlier this year than last, it was not too bad. There was a few nights when I sat in my tent and cried, colder than hell, miserable, but God showed me grace, in the rain, sleet and cold, I kept going north. Each day I became hungrier, more tired, more homesick, like I had never spent time out in the wild, like I was fighting to stay alive. I was exhausted more than ever before now, and washington has tons of huge climbs and its not the place for the weak and tired. The Cascades are perfect, so grand. I am in love with those mountains and even at my worst, I found peace and strength in the beauty, it inspired me. I remember getting to Stehekin, the final resupply point of the PCT, 89 miles from Canada!! It was crazy, I still can't put into words how it felt. I had been hiking through thick smoke for miles and miles by the time I got there and my body was almost done. Again, I found it hard to leave Stehekin, probably because I knew I was going to get to Canada and then it was over :( that is a very difficult thing to come to terms with, in some ways I was glad it was going to end, in others I was heart broken that my days spent out there were coming to an end. I left Stehekin alone, bound for Canada and spent the final 3 days alone. On the morning of Canada, I ran into two guys I had been hiking with for a while and hiked with them for a bit. The night before had been sleepless, I could not sleep knowing I was only 14 miles from Canada :) On September 27th, 2012 I made it to Canada. There are no profound statements for this moment, I am unable to explain what happened at that moment within myself and I am still learning what it all meant. It was the most overwhelming moment of my life. After 5000 miles, I had made it to Canada. It was a day I will never forget. Today when I remember that day, it makes me tear up. Now that my PCT adventure was over, what was next? Who was I? Did I belong where I lived or did the miles I spent along the PCT completely change me? Did I believe in everything I had back in April? All those and hundreds of other questions quickly filled my head and despite how hard it was go fly home to Colorado, I went back to Colorado, confused, sad, lost, happy, proud and scared. I had no idea who I was and I had set out hoping to figure things out, all I figured out was that I had nothing figured out. My life in the wild ended and I had to pick up my "normal" life and start over.

Alaska to Patagonia: May 2014

I am leaving for this journey in May of 2014. I will start in Barrow, Alaska, make my way southeast down into the Yukon.  I will trek from the Yukon into British Columbia, where I will pick up the Great Divide Trail, that leads me to Glacier National Park. In Glacier, I will start my thru hike on the Continental Divide Trail south through the United States. At the southern terminus of the CDT, on the New Mexico/Mexico border, I will pick up a bike, and bike the entire length of the Pan America Highway into Guatemala. Once in Central America, I will trek from Guatemala to Panama. Still working on what will happen from Panama into and around Columbia. There is so much danger in some of these areas and I need to figure out how to trek around potentially dangerous territory. I might  kayak around Columbia into Ecuador. I am not sure yet. I would like to spend as much time on foot and climbing through the Andes once in South America, not just backpacking, but climbing peaks and enjoying that mountain range, after all it is one of the most amazing mountain ranges in the world. If I leave in 2014, I would be in Chile, hopefully within 3 and a half years. My great buddy from the my PCT thru hike will be joining me for this journey. 

I would like to do community outreach in places along the way, presenting about CASA and spreading their mission in places that have never heard of such an idea or organization. This will be the bulk of my hike and the reason for this western hemisphere trip. I believe I should give back, help others and make a difference. I will hopefully help start CASA programs in places that lack such programs, spread awareness about CASA and help build healthier and more aware communities. It is just in the beginning works of planning, but it is going to happen, I am going to trek from Alaska to Patagonia. 

Realizing that I am more normal than I thought

Making it through the fire was a very strange thing, we had not entered any closed areas, we had not broken any laws or done anything, there in the middle of the Trail the fire raged and spread. Pretty scary!! After hiking through the fire with firefighters we reached our goal for the day, by this time it was late and we were not only exhausted but hungry and I at least felt a need to try and contact everyone I knew. I wanted to hear people's voices that I recognized and knew without this, sleep would  be nearly impossible. My phone was dead, and the realization of I am out on a Trail, hiking from Mexico to Canada, I am living simply in a life where modern conveiences are decreased and charging my phone was not a option. Then I remembered that I am hiking the PCT to rid myself of the modern world, to challenge myself, to learn to listen to my primitive spirit and to reflect in a world of peace, because back at home in the real world, life is much more hectic and peace is seldom found. This is my my quest to try and find the balance between desiring elaborate adventures that disrupt the norm and living in the modern world, this is the hardest thing  for me to do, but I must seek out balance and at that moment of realizing I could not just charge up my phone and call anyone I wanted I began to feel sadden. Though I love solitude and adventure, I am reminded that I am still a human being that needs to  have other people in my life, I need to hear their voices. I don't want to be alone all the time and that night especially I wished to be back in my life at home with my dog, with everyone I knew and loved, back in a life I wanted so much to leave. In the morning, I continued hiking most hikers took an alternate route, less miles and easier terrain, but I followed the PCT. It was vital to me to hike the PCT, every mile, mile footstep, I was not going to take an alternate route to lessen the mileage even if it meant I was going to be alone. I hiked 33 miles that day to a resupply resort, there I met up with other hikers. I enjoyed sodas, and candy and phone service and I looked forward to almost being done with Oregon. I kept thinking about time and about mileage and when I expected to be in Canada. I was starting to become worried about not making it. I kept on doing big miles in Oregon in order to make headway and to allow myself to feel as I was making progress. By the time I reached the resupply point to go into Bend I was feeling strong again. I spent a few days in Bend and then headed back out on the Trail alone once again. There was a fire detour ahead and I wanted to make sure I met up with other hikers before then. I did and we spent the next days together. When we reached the fire detour near Jefferson park, there was a huge detour and we all hiked it. The Trail section of this detour ends and begins a road walk, others hikers hitched this road section and I hiked it, because I was going to hike each mile. I hiked the 25 mile detour and then found out the PCT had opened, I hitched back to the detour trail, hiked back up so I could hike the true PCT through Jefferson Park, it was so worth it. I was alone for days but going up and over in the cold morning was fantastic, coming down from this section I saw an enormous black bear standing alone in the trees, he stood there and watched me. I watched him for about 10 minutes or so and it was one of the best times in my life, it was a powerful event and just reminded me why I so loved the wild, why I needed it in my life.
But, now I was two days behind and I needed to hike, hike fast and keep hiking. I was bound for Timberline Lodge and wanted to get out of Oregon soon.  I was dreaming of Washington and of Canada and could not afford anymore time to play around, no more fire detours, hopefully. I was now on marathon mindset to hike, to not stop, to go go go, no matter what. That ole black bear had given me  a new found desire to stay out there and to keep going, the magic wild animals give out always helps me see the things in a new light, they inspire me and allow me to feel grounded. The spirit of the wild is all around me out there and it was time again for me to embrace it to love it and to follow it.

Always more to hike and more to ponder

By the time I was heading north from the Sierras, heading into northern california, my mindset had taken a huge leap, I had become unmotivated, depressed, exhausted and I began to question all that I believed in. I had hiked this all the year before, I had been here at a different time, seen different things and people and experienced much different events and feelings. I felt as though getting to Canada was silly, I wondered why it mattered to me so much, it was the first time I ever allowed myself to look at the goal of Canada as silly and worthless, though I still felt something pushing me inside. What was this, why couldn't I just go home, have an ordinary summer and be finished with all of this long distance hiking crap. Days in Northern California felt slow and I was sad, so much of the time was spent trying to  fight my own personal battle with what was inside of me, what I felt was right and what I believed in. I fought the battle with myself every step. I can't deny that there were perfect moment of peace and contentment, perfect moments where the beauty calmed me down and settled my mind, but most of the time was spent fighting this inner battle and trying to stay sane, stay focused and stay strong.
Northern California is not the greatest place, it is rough Trail and it lacks the beauty left behind in the Sierras. It is a time of struggle for miles, heat, huge climbs and for me loss of interest to keep hiking. Passing towns such as Sierra City, Shasta brought on new light for me. I was going to finish this, why? Well, sometimes you have to finish just because you started, so that was my motivation for hundreds of miles, that took me across the California/Oregon border and sailed me through days of discontentment
and heartache.
Reaching  Oregon, is a great feeling, finally, your making progress and in another state. At this point, I had hiked for 1,700 miles and only had 965ish miles left to hike. Stoping in Ashland, helped to restore my faith in humanity and it propelled me north for sometime. I met fantastic people in Ashland, one women in particular, who welcomed me into her home, drove me around and touched my heart in many ways. Another guy at a restaurant, who was with his family for a birthday, paid for my dinner, he told me that he had always wanted to hike the PCT, I had not even talked to him, I walked in there with my pack and sat silently alone. He must have been from the area and knew about the PCT and what we dirty hikers looked like. People were so gracious and kind to me, that gave me faith and so it kept me going. Next stop, Crater Lake, well, my mom's cookies were there at the PO, so I had to hike there. Each day I would tell myself something to help keep me going, I would give myself something to look forward to. I needed that very much, something to look forward to, to focus on, to bribe myself when it was too hard keep hiking. Trust me, days were so difficult and slow sometimes,it felt as though I was never going to go home. I missed home, I missed David, Nanuk dog, I missed being normal, being clean, I missed pillows, clean water, and the voices of many. I missed Colorado and knew it was there waiting for me, but at times it was so hard to be away from the other life I live.
Oregon is a pretty fast state to hike, less than 500 miles and hey I had already hiked 1700, well actually more like 4000, so 500 was nothing. Oregon has a lot of real cool areas, volcanic rock, cool peaks, crater lake, tons of lakes and lush trees, sometimes its like being in a jungle.
Around 55 or so miles north of Crater Lake, I was hiking with 5 other hikers, we had hiked 30 miles that day and were planning to hike 2 more to get to the next water. When all of a sudden the Trail was on fire. I had never seen anything like that before, real wild fire burning like that, it was crazy. We called 911, thank god we had cell service, after about 2 hours fire fighters reached us and escorted us through the fire. It was a crazy night to say the least. I would prefer to never be that close to a wild fire again!
After the fire...

North from Forester Pass to Muir Pass and beyond

Descending Forester Pass is unbeliveable, it is like being in a dream world far from any you have imagined. The beauty of the land is humbling and overwhelming at times, sometimes so much that it brings me to tears. Especially this year, the Sierras lay snowless and welcoming and each step was enjoyable and full of wonder and magic. The rock in the Sierras shoots straight up into the sky, like a rocket ship, the sky is as deep blue as it can be, the rocks at my feet are grand and the entire view as I can see it is nothing short of perfect. It is a wonderful land out there, it is powerful and wild and special. However, descending from 13,000 feet has its downfalls, you have to climb down into valleys full of mosquitos and then climb back up each day to the next pass.  Mosquitos are quite the challenge, some days I waited until after dark to stop and go to the bathroom, but even in the dark of the Sierra sky mosquitos buzz around. The buzzing after days and days and nights and nights can seriously begin to drive one nuts. Buzz, buzz, buzz all day long, buzz, buzz, buzz all night. Holy cow, I hate those blood sucking monsters. But it is a part of nature, a part of the cycle of the natural world, a cycle I love and so I manage to keep my sanity. However, there were moments that I lost it and would be screaming at the top of my lungs, "go away, leave me alone and let me be, go away you stupid things."But it is no use, up in the Sierra Mountains far above life is a peaceful place, filled with beauty and grace and down low below the rocks and in the trees lies a different world, pretty as well, but also alive with those awful, horrible, annoying, nasty, itchy things, mosquitos.... I hate them like a fat kid hates apples.

North of Forester Pass is Glenn Pass, a simple pass, pretty easy climb, but none the less epic and beautiful. I could remain on top of any of these passes forever, the views are just amazing and even now months later, though I have come and gone. I hold those moments so dear to my heart, I can remember those places and call on the memories whenever I need a moment of peace or a moment of contentment. Those moments are my savior many times now being back home. In the Sierras you don't rush to push miles, at least I don't. In 2011, during the record snow year, I would hike 10-12 hours a day and only cover maybe 12-15 miles, for a thru hiker, thats a very low mileage day. But this year, I slowed down my miles by choice and enjoyed each day, each flower, each pass, each view, and every break. I soaked up the Sierra sun and enjoyed the cool of the night that the mountains provided. There was no water crossing up to my waist or higher, no losing the Trail and no post holing this year. It was a warm, lovely experience and each day brought something special. In 2011, each day was special as well, the snow added so much beauty, but I had made it through the worst of the Sierras and I longed for a different season and this year my prayers were answered. Next comes Pinchot Pass and Mather Pass, these passes are some of the most grand places in all of the world, it is almost too difficult to explain the beauty I found out there or how I felt standing on top of those passes. There is just no words to justify what I found there or what it meant to me being there. After that, oh man, Muir Pass, Joh Muir said it right," In every walk with nature, one receives far more than he seeks." Muir Pass blows me away. I could live in that Muir hut and forever be happy, but it is illegal, so I wont. But the land up there echoes Muir's words and displays beauty in a way that most would not believe. I think this pass really spoke to me, it just excited me, it made me feel alive. Its is just wonderful there, just simply wonderful.

After Muir Pass, in my opinion, the next few passes are not as grand, they are not as special to me, they are still pretty, but it is a very different type of beauty than that found on passes like Mather or Muir. Seldon, Silver and Donohue Passes are still imprinted in my heart as great moments in my life, but they don't resonate with me like the others do. They are sort of the end of the grandiuer in the Sierras, for the PCT anyways. By the time you get up and over Silver Pass, you are at mile 890 or so and only a day from being able to resupply in Mammoth, California. North of that takes you up Donohue Pass and over near Yosemite National Park. Yosemite is a great place, however, for the thru hiker who has been out for months by this time, it is a bit like Disney World, RVs everywhere, people everywhere, noise and shops and all sorts of things that I want to escape, thats why I am a thru hiker. So though it might be a nice stop, it was a bit too much for me. I had to keep heading north because for me stopping in a place like that was robbing me of peace and time. I wanted my time to be spent out on the Trail, away from 15 dollar hamburgers and RVs, away from people who could not in their wildest of dreams comprehend what I was doing. So I kept hiking north.

At this point in on the Trail, things back at home, in my "normal" life started to crumble. My best friend, the guy who I had been dating decided to stop talking to me, stop supporting me on my journey. It tore my heart apart. We had most certainly had our issues. He had been unfaithful and had struggled with his identity in his own sexuality, he had done so much to hurt me and to break us apart. For so long, I agreed to work through all of it and still being out on the PCT 1000s of miles away from him, I agreed to do what I could to make it work. But, nothing helped, he decided to kick me out of his life and end everything we shared, even our friendship. It was devastating and it would as I learned open the door for so much stress and hurt upon returning home. Though I was sad and hurt, I kept hiking, I had to. I had promised myself I would finish this Trail and that I would be successful, that I would be strong, no matter what was to come. At times the loss was so painful, it challenged my resolve and it did threaten my success out there. I wanted to run home, to quit hiking, to fix it. I had done that last year, gotten off the Trail, ran home to him, and in the end it costed me Canada. So I was not going to do that this year, I was going to continue North, I was going to suck up the pain and hurt, I was going to allow myself as many tears as needed to get through this. I thought that by the time I got to Canada, I would be stronger about this, about the break up. I thought I could hike him out of my head and heart, I looked to the miles to help me forget him and every mile only made me miss him more.

I kept hiking and as weeks past, hiking began to be harder, to be more exhausting than usual. I had so many more miles to hike, I was still in California and had over 1,600 miles to Canada. California felt at times that it would never end. Around 1,700 miles of the PCT is spent among the landscape in California. By the time ones reaches Oregon, they can't wait to get out of California. Heading north in California from the Sierras is a bit strange. After the Sierras, California kind of returns to hot, sandy Trail. There is a ton of trees, a ton of sand, you are dirty all the time, hot and sweaty everyday, there are huge climbs, some of which are exposed and the heat in these places is awful. In a few places there are mountains, but it is nothing like the Sierras.