Agua Dulce

I am at mile 456 and I have been really struggling the last few days. I have felt pretty overwhelmed and the days have been hard. I hiked through a huge burn area during the last few days, the trees are all burned down, it is sort of creepy!  Its like an old cementary, its a place where so much damage occured, but  still there is so much beauty, so much life and thats neat to see! I have been hiking with Crasher, Half Step, Ramblin Rose, Topsy Turvy, Data Muffin, Flash and Yard Sale. These are all trail names which is what thru hikers use as a name while they are on the trail, you usually get your trail name from another hiker and there is usually a good story behind the name. My trail name is, Busted Magic, I got it while thru hiking the Colorado Trail. Anyways, I love the group of girls I have fallen into, they make my days better in many ways, but none the less my days are filled with mixed emotions, why am I doing this, why can't I just allow myself to go home, why do I feel  like this trail is so important for me to hike? I am real homesick, real homesick and sadly, I feel like I will be until this trail is over. I feel as though I have put my life on hold for six months and I am worried that all I know will be gone or very different when I return. I have had many hours to reflect on the last years of my life, reflect on the choices I have made and the experiences that have happened. I have to admit I have spent hours crying so hard I thought I was going to throw up, but then there is a moment that totally gives me hope and desire to keep hiking, despite the pain in my knees, the fatigue, and the feeling of being homesick I continue to find a way to get up and hike at least 20 miles a day, through low desert heat, cold cold nights, little water, sand in my shoes, bees, snakes and lizards racing around me, I keep hiking. I don't know what to make of that, I have very mixed emotions of this trail and I can't seem to settle down my feelings. I love being out among the wilds, I love the challenge, the peace, and the solitude, but I also love being somewhere I can hug my dog everyday, where I can talk with my close friends, and where I can let go. I guess for now, all I can do is keep waking up and keep hiking. I sure hope the feeling of being homesick will go away soon. I hope that the next miles will bring me more contentment about this trail.